She Loves You, Yeah Yeah Yeah

All The Boys Love Mandy Lane - 2006

Starring: Amber Heard, Anson Mount, Michael Welch

THE PLOT: The coolest kids in school invite Mandy Lane -- a good girl who turned up surprisingly hot over the summer -- to a weekend party on a secluded ranch. While the festivities rage on, the number of revelers begins to drop quite mysteriously.

IN ONE WORD: Bloody!

MY TAKE: Originally this flick was slated to come out in 2006/2007, but thanks to the less than stellar box office returns for "Grindhouse," the Weinsteins panicked and sold it instead to Senator Entertainment. It's popped up at film festivals for the last two and a half years, gaining a cult following and tons of praise. It's easy to see why: this is the best modern slasher flick you've never seen!

Mandy Lane is the soft-spoken, vibrant and unsullied golden girl of high school. Flawlessly beautiful and kind, she unwittingly bewitches every boy she meets: the perfect combination of girl-next-door and lolita. She is a mystery. For adolescent jagg-offs already hot-headed with hormones, she is infuriatingly unattainable. The fact that they know nothing about her is just fuel for the fire. She is perfect. She is untouched. All the boys boys want Mandy Lane. All the boys love Mandy Lane.

Even girls love Mandy Lane!

After a tragic incident, Mandy finds herself gravitating towards a new group of friends: the hottest kids in school. She has a shiny newness about her that everyone adores, and while she's still as timid and sweet as ever, the hard-partying bad kids unofficially adopt her as their new clique mascot. When they decide to throw a rager out in the country, Mandy is invited along for the weekend. Unfortunately, it seems that one person's lust for Mandy Lane has gone far, far, far off the deep end... and if they can't have her, no one will.

What a fantastic find. This unassuming flick popped up on DVD and left me stunned -- STUNNED! -- because it quietly drags the teen slasher genre into a deep, disturbing new era. It's a brilliant blood-soaked modern American gothic. The direction (and the overall look of the film) is nothing short of poetic. Camera work, effects, lighting and style blend together in a masterwork of cool. Old school tricks -- like slow-mo, which used to feel SO cliche -- suddenly feel reenergized, artistic. The color palate is as bright and saturated as a music video, without ever feeling gimmicky.

Bright sunshine during a bloodbath feels soooo wrong.

The soundtrack is just killer, featuring catchy indie rock tracks alongside accoustic covers of 70's folk favorites, and I hope to CRAP I can find a place to buy this disc because I want it in my collection yesterday. The effortless way the music compliments the tone of the film reminds me of nothing so much as "The Virgin Suicides". All of this weaves together to form a flick that feels weirdly ethereal: like one big, fantastic fucked-up nightmare.

Is it scary? Hell yes. It's also a GOOD fucking movie. It makes you forget that you've seen stack after stack of kill-one-at-a-time-until-they're-all-dead horror flicks. "All The Boys Love Mandy Lane" strays just far enough into the realm of drama/thriller that you lose sight of the teen killer formula and find yourself caring for the cast of murder victims. Sure they're a bunch of assholes trying to get high and get laid, but they're also KIDS. In lesser films you watch the stereotypes run and scream and die. Here you find reasons to connect with them -- so when they're brutally offed it catches you a bit, right in the gut. The fact that this flick takes the time to dig a little deeper is worthy of praise. That it manages to horrify while doing so? Nothing short of brilliant.

It's like The Big Chill -- only with senseless murders!

IT'S TRIVIA TIME!: A little girl died in the upstairs bedroom in the ranch house after asphyxiating. Locals claim she still haunts the house. It is claimed a little girl in a white dress was seen several times in the ranch house during night shoots, even though there were never any children on set.

ON A SCALE OF 1-10: A sure thing. 8.

~~ WATCH OUR MUSIC VIDEO TRIBUTE ~~

This place is SCARY, yo!

House on Haunted Hill - 1999

Starring: Geoffrey Rush, Ali Larter, Taye Diggs

THE PLOT: A millionaire offers a group of diverse people $1,000,000 to spend the night in a haunted house with a horrifying past.

IN A WORD: Pointless.

MY TAKE: Okay, deep breath. Where to begin describing this godawful ordeal? Our story begins in the dank, scum-ridden basement of a mental institution for the criminally insane, where a man in filthy doctor's scrubs gleefully hacks into the belly of a struggling patient, assisted by a handful of blank-faced nurses. Slime drips from exposed water pipes, howling patients shuffle through the halls and pound on grimy walls and windows. The man on the operating table screams and wrestles against his soiled bindings. Bare bulbs flicker in rusted fixtures. The camera shoots at wild angles, bright blue and green filters saturating everything in wackadoodle ~CRAAAAZY VISION~..... It's so absolutely cliche in every way, you can't help but wonder if it's supposed to be a joke. It's certainly not scary at all, because you've seen everything before (a million times over) in every Sci-Fi Channel Original and schlocky low-budget horror movie since the early 90's. So... am I supposed to be laughing? Is it a spoof? Is it actually trying to be scary? All we know for sure is that it's either trying way too damn hard or not nearly hard enough. It's confusing and simultaneously boring from the word go.

And right away, this sets the tone for the entire movie.

So, after the army of deranged patients predictably storm the operating room and predictably torch the facility (and everyone in it) to the ground, we flash-forward to the opening of a horror-themed amusement park. It's many years later and the owner of the park is also buddies with the owner of the infamous former mental institution, on top of which his imposing Joel Schumacher-esque Art Deco mansion now stands. He's a flamboyant fruitcake who delights in terrorizing park patrons and news crews with surprise scare tactics, mincing around the rollercoasters like some unholy amalgamation of Willy Wonka, Walt Disney, and John Waters. And holy crap, wouldn't you know it? It's Oscar winner Geoffrey Rush. Dammit, Geoffrey, you're better than this. He knows it, too. But (like everyone else in this movie) he no doubt just wanted a fucking paycheck and probably cranked out this entire thing in a couple of weekends. Let's hope so.

Some people ride rides (Look! it's Lisa Loeb and James CHEEKBONES OF STEEL Marsters in pointless cameos!), gobs of money is blown on thrilling rollercoaster effects and it all looks like great fun -- but fuck that amusement park angle, it's time for a clandestine birthday party in the rich weirdo's mansion! I guess the previous twenty maddeningly fast-paced minutes of screamy-meemy hullaballoo was an attempt to set up the rest of the movie for us, but they sure did it in a distracting and pointless way... I mean, all we've really learned from this nonsense is that there's some rich guy who has a house where the institution used to be. I think we could have gotten to this conclusion without digging up indie rockers from the grunge era, but what can you do.

Let's get this dumbass show on the road.

Cut to a caravan of limousines climbing the winding road to the mansion, each with a party guest inside. Show them each one by one examining their cryptic invitations as they approach the mysterious party. Wait, where have I seen this before? (Here's a CLUE.) They arrive at the mansion, but how queer! None of them know any of the other guests, and they don't know why they have been summoned to this spooky mansion in the middle of nowhere (*cough* CLUE *cough*). When they arrive at the party, they are each given a black box with a weapon inside (CLUUUUUUE)... It's not really surprising that we're being beaten over the head with these blatant homages/ripoffs, since absolutely NOTHING in this movie is original. Might as well get used to it. Even the actors are caricatures of everything you've already seen them in. Famke Janssen is a sultry, snarky bitch. Taye Diggs is hip and attractive and spouts clever, ethnic lines of dialogue like "This place is SCARY, yo!". Chris Kattan is *insufferably* annoying as the only guy who gets that the house is evil (READ: poor man's Roddy McDowall), and is constantly hollering and flailing around like a spasmatic marionette. Ali Larter wears shoulder pads and looks pretty and distressed. Peter Gallagher is Sandy Cohen. That snotty girl with the goblin face is as disposable as ever. Lather, rinse, repeat.

So! A million dollars to last a night in the house. I don't even have to say another word and you'll know how the rest of this movie pans out: people split up and explore the house, characters get killed off one by one, blah blah blah, little by little the horrifying dark history of the house is uncovered yawwwn... But it's not just the infuriating predictability that makes this movie so goddamn terrible, it's the execution. There is just FAR TOO MUCH crammed into this movie, while at the same time FAR TOO LITTLE common sense to relieve our weary eyes and minds. We've got carnivorous ghosts, underwater ghouls, twitchy, lurching Hellraiser-ish meat puppets, buckets of gore splashed over furniture and floors, phantom doctors, hallway after hallway after hallway of broken floor tile, rusted medical equipment, and water-stained walls, everything covered in that familiar Silent Hill-ish horror patina -- but wait a minute! Forget the leap in logic that anyone with half a brain would choose to willingly explore the rotting bowels of an abandoned mental asylum with flashlights instead of STAYING UPSTAIRS IN THE WELL-STOCKED, WELL-LIT, COMFORTABLY FURNISHED COCKTAIL BAR FOR THE WHOLE EVENING... wasn't this whole place supposed to have burned down? And yet room after room after room they explore, while everything is obviously worn with age and disuse and pervasive damp, absolutely nothing is burned or sooty or smoke-damaged at all. You could make the argument that everything was lovingly re-built and re-created by Walt Wonka Whatshisname, but it is my opinion that nobody involved with the movie gave it this much thought.

When Chris "Mango" Kattan is the lone voice
of sanity, you know you're in trouble.

In the end, this movie is just a monstrous fucking mess. A lumbering behemoth of a movie that attempts to reference/ripoff every haunted house movie cliche you've ever seen, forcibly cram in every overused low-budget bloody/ghostly/screechy CGI special effect in the book, give a bunch of painfully boring actors a painfully boring script, throw all logic out the window, and squeeze it all into 93 minutes. It absolutely SUFFOCATES under the weight of itself. Perhaps the most baffling thing of all is how a sequel managed to somehow crawl out from under it and get made.

IT'S TRIVIA TIME!: The original screenplay described Geoffrey Rush's character as a regular looking businessman. Rush didn't care for this, so he suggested that his character look like the film director John Waters. (And he does!)

ON A SCALE OF 1-10: Ludicrously predictable and cliche. 1.

~ WATCH THE TRAILER ~

Like a boot stuck in mud, only wetter.

Caligula - 1979

Starring: Malcolm McDowell, Peter O'Toole, Helen Mirren

THE PLOT: The graphic and shocking, yet undeniably tragic story of Rome's most infamous Caesar, Gaius Germanicus Caligula.

IN ONE WORD: Genitals!

MY TAKE: If ever there was a tribute to flacid, hairy 1970's testicles, this was it. Ah, testicles. You don't see them on the big screen so much these days. Why? BECAUSE FUCKING EW. Still, don't get me wrong. I am a big fan of gratuity (sex, violence, nudity for nudity's sake), though I stress there is a time and a place for it. It's hard for me to stretch my imagination far enough to include in that time and place, a syphilis-stricken Peter O'Toole staggering around like a big scenery-chewing soggy mess. Sexy, eh? It only gets hotter!

There IS a story here, but hell if I can suss it out. Go ahead and watch the movie. You won't be able to either. Why? Because no one -- I repeat NO ONE -- is able to follow dialogue about senate negotiations when there is a woman's big hairy twazzer stuffed in the camera. The brain has a natural disconnect.

I'm sorry, I wasn't listening. There was puss.

Caligula frolicks around like a hypractive gecko, spending a ridiculous amount of time molesting his younger sister. But hey -- WHEN IN ROME! There's a bit of a kerfuffle with the Emperor, and after he's strangled out of the picture, Caligula assumes the title of Caesar. IT'S ALL DOWNHILL FROM THERE. Well, to be truthful, it was already well on its way downhill before that -- but this is sensational filth!

Orgy after orgy, void of anything erotic, left resembling something of a circus sideshow. People vomiting, emaciated amputees, lots of visibal bruises, midgets and animals thrown in for flare, and a veritable carnival of uncircumsized penises and Amazonian thunder-bush. You can almost smell the scent of anal lube wafting through your television screen. A woman is bathed in semen -- (lovely!) -- a man's penis is tied shut, he's force-fed wine and then gutted with a sword -- (classic!) -- and Caligula even rams his fist up a young groom's butthole to prove that he was indeed a virgin. -- (bravo!) -- Yesiree. If you ever wanted to see Malcolm McDowell violently assault another man with a tub of goat lard, are YOU in for a treat.

You thought I was kidding?

This is a fantastic piece of crap. I think the most deplorable thing about the flick is that the cast is stuffed with Oscar winners and nominees! That's a remarkable feat: continuing to cast a black shadow of humiliation over everyone involved four decades later. Wow. That being said, I think it must be seen to be believed. Trust me. Just give it a shot. If you make it past the GIANT HEAD-REAPING LAWNMOWER OF DEATH, then I owe you a beer.

You'll need one.

IT'S TRIVIA TIME!: Peter O'Toole claimed to have been unaware hardcore sex footage was being shot for the film. (I claim he was drunk.)

ON A SCALE OF 1-10: Unspeakably filthy! And yet... 2.

~ WATCH THE TRAILER ~

I always feel like somebody’s watching me.

Peeping Tom - 1960

Starring: Karlheinz Böhm, Anna Massey, Moira Shearer

THE PLOT: A young man murders women, using a movie camera to film their dying expressions of terror.

IN ONE WORD: Kinky!

OUR TAKE: You know, if it weren't for the whole loves-to-kill-women thing, Mark would be a pretty cool guy. He's young, he's attractive, he owns his own place. He combs his hair, he's got a sassy foreign accent, holds two steady jobs, and -- again, aside from the loves-to-kill-women thing -- he rarely misbehaves! But unfortunately for poor Mark, he's compelled beyond his will to stab things.

He's the hero of our story, ladies and germs, and we tail Mark through colorful London as he photographs his crime spree. WE KNOW IT'S LONDON because within five minutes of the credits rolling we actually see a motherfucker sipping tea from a cup on the freakin' sidewalk. He's even got a damn saucer! A china saucer. Turns out that Mark, in addition to being a bit of a freelance photographer, is also a bit of a serial killer. He stalks women with his handicam (a compact, portable device made of INDUSTRIAL STEEL that must have weighed a mere fifty pounds) cleverly hidden in his trenchcoat, filming their last moments of terror as he gleefully closes in for the kill. Nevermind that there is no way in hell you could conceal a fifty pound INDUSTRIAL STEEL handicam in your jacket... but hey! It was the 60's.

We're just assuming everybody was on drugs.

Mark kills prostitutes. Mark stalks actresses. Mark ekes out a fulfilling life being a fringe pervert, taking nudie photos for the local Ma-and-Pop porno store. It's all going pretty well until he starts peeping in on his downstairs neighbor, an adorable redhead who right away wants nothing more than to butt into Mark's life and be his new best friend. (OH, BUT THE KILLING THING...) Helen latches onto the twitchy, uncomfortable Mark and soon has him warming up to the idea of a *real live* girl. But can a serial killer really reform his ways? Will Helen's affections be enough to lure Mark back from the edge of insanity? ....Have you SEEN many movies?

The tiger rug knows what's coming.

This was a surprising film! It got away with an extraordinary amount of erotic and violent imagery, considering that it was released in 1960. It took audiences over ten years to truly appreciate it for the groundbreaking film that it was. It has sustained a dedicated cult following since then, and it's easy to see why. Scorcese credits this as one of the only two films you need to see to understand genius filmmaking (the other being Fellini's "8 1/2"). The movie is shockingly lush in color, making vivid use of light, shadow, and other dynamics of photography. As much as this is a flick about depravity, it's at its heart a movie about movie making.

We're never really sure if we should be attracted to or disgusted by Mark. Sure he's deranged, but he's just so gosh darned cute. It's obvious that he wants to be a decent guy. It's not really his fault that he gets his jollies from making snuff films (and watching them over and over set to jangly honky tonk piano music in his darkroom)... It's also unclear if we're supposed to be ROOTING for him or not. To get help? To get away with it? He's such a terrific weirdo that we can't help but like him a little bit more each time he loses control.

Apparently, Helen can't either! One of the strangest (and unnervingly kinkiest) turns in the film is how once Helen begins to get hip to the fact that her loverboy is a maniac, she KINDA LIKES IT. When his secrets are all neat and locked away they're purely platonic. But once the loves-to-kill-women cat is out of the bag, she all but throws herself at him, panties ablaze. Perhaps the best thing about "Peeping Tom" is that the audience inexplicably finds themselves in Helen's shoes.

We love the monster. And this is why it works.

IT'S TRIVIA TIME!: In Mark's home movies, his father is portrayed by "Peeping Tom"'s director. Young Mark is portrayed by the director's real-life son, and Mark's mother is played by the director's wife.

ON A SCALE OF 1-10: Bizarrely erotic and surprisingly endearing. 7.

~ WATCH THE TRAILER ~

You mean you have to use your hands? That's like a baby's toy!

Witchboard - 1986
Starring: Tawny Kitaen, Todd Allen, Stephen Nichols

PLOT: When a woman develops an obsession with a Ouija Board, terrible things begin to happen.

IN ONE WORD: WEEJUH!

MY TAKE: What a fucking hilarious movie. This is the best (THE VERY BEST) kind of "terrible 80's flick" -- nothing but big hair, tight jeans, annoying stereotyped characters, and straight-up bad acting. Yet somehow all of those awful things add up to make something entirely awesome. Make no mistake, this movie is stupid. But it's stupid in all the right ways!

The movie kicks off with a big house party, 80's-style. But unlike the teen romps you're used to, this is a *~*~sophisticated adult party~*~* where people in shoulder-pads and SO VERY HORRIBLE horn-rimmed glasses lean on things and sip beers with their jacket sleeves rolled-up. Two of the guys, Jim and Brandon, are instantly in a pissing contest to charm the hostess of the shindig, Linda. Jim is Linda's blue-collar boyfriend. He's a real resentful and jealous hot-head type of guy who doesn't take too kindly to Mr-Fancy-Pants college-boy Brandon showing up at his girl's party acting all smart. The way these two guys instantly go at each other is nothing short of homoerotic. They have UNRESOLVED SEXUAL TENSION stamped all over their foreheads. Boys, boys. Just fuck it out.

When the uber-smart and dashing Brandon whips out his Ouija board -- and seriously folks, Brandon just HAPPENS to carry his Ouija board with him everywhere -- he wants to everyone to gather 'round while him and Linda contact the dead. IN A COMPLETELY SERIOUS MANNER. He is Buzz Killington. If your party needs to be quietly strangled to death, Brandon's on the case! Nothing like a guy barking at people to "shut up and be serious" to get the fun times rolling. Jim is content to sit back, get plastered, and sling a ceaseless barrage of petty insults at Brandon, one after another.

We get it Jim. We know you're gay for Brandon.

Long story short -- they contact the spirit of a little boy who Brandon regularly contacts (WHAT? Wait... what?) Linda is all smitten with the Ouija! The board gets left at her house after the party, and since she seemingly has no JOB, she quickly becomes obsessed with it! Jim is jealous when Linda just wants to talk about the Oujia board all the time, so he attempts to get her to stop by being a BIG DUMB JERK ABOUT IT. Unfortunately for poor, (big, dumb) jealous Jim, the spirits on the other side of the board don't like him much either...

This is such a campy, stupid and wonderfully enjoyable thriller! From beginning to end it is as predictable as a Saturday morning cartoon, but in a good way. Assholes act like assholes, pretentious college boys act like pretentious college boys and the world keeps on spinnin'. I especially loved the PSYCHIC MEDIUM character that pops in halfway through the flick. She is instantly one of the most annoying and unlikeable people in movie history. GOOD GOD WHAT THE FUCK. She is so *~*~80'S~*~* it is unreal -- what with her purple hair and psycho crayola eye make-up, be-fringed clothes and hipster street slang. JESUS! NO! *hisses* Her character is totally an 80's Poochie. The second thing that made me lose my shit with laughter was Brandon's over-use and over-pronunciation of the word "Oujia". Or as he said "WEE-JUH!". I TRUST THE WEE-JUH. I ALWAYS CONSULT THE WEE-JUH. THE WEE-JUH. THE WEE-JUH.

Dude! Stop SAYING it like that!

Altogether a fun movie. Maybe not something that you'd enjoy by yourself, but certainly if you kicked it on with a few friends INTENT on making fun of it. There's so much to make fun of, it's practically a sure thing!

TRIVIA TIME: There is a rumor that this movie was funded by the church in order to frighten people away from using occult toys like Ouija Boards.

ON A SCALE OF 1-10: Cornball yet unintentionally hilarious. 6.

~ WATCH THE TRAILER ~

Suddenly my family seems oh so sane.

Pin... - 1988
Starring: David Hewlett, Cynthia Preston

PLOT: In this low-budget descendant of "Psycho", Ursula and Leon are sister and brother, living alone, save for a large wooden puppet they call "Pin" (for Pinocchio). When Ursula starts hanging around with new boyfriend Stan, Leon and Pin take action.

IN ONE WORD: Puppets!

MY TAKE: Leon and Ursula are the children of a joyless couple: an obsessive-compulsive neat freak mother and a hyper-critical, loveless father. Dad's a doctor and seemingly only has time for work. He does, however, have in his office a LIFE-SIZED FLESHLESS PUPPET he calls "Pin". It's an anatomy model with visible organs and is kind of... incredibly disturbing. It sits in a chair in his office, and dad delights in using ventriloquism to fool his children into thinking that Pin talks. This is pretty strange since dad delights in NOTHING ELSE. In fact, I'm convinced he only ever did it to intentionally fuck up his kids.

And they're really, really fucked up.

Ursula grows up and gets wise to the DAD-MAKES-THE-PUPPET-TALK game, but alas! Poor stupid Leon isn't so bright. He forms a weird best-friend kind of bond with the puppet and likes to hang out with him, even though he never says a word unless dad's around. COME ON LEON, YOU CANNOT BE THAT STUPID. One day, Leon hides in his dad's office after hours -- only to find himself stuck in the room when dad's assistant locks the door and TOTALLY FUCKS THE DUMMY. What the fucking fuck?!!! I am not kidding! The nurse just hikes up her skirt and humps the shit out of the doll with Leon hiding behind a screen. Somewhere around that moment Leon's brain snaps for good and he is forever a creep.

Honestly, who WOULDN'T want to fuck this?

There are all kinds of weird bad-boundary-issue scenes where young brother and sister seem alarmingly intimate. Ursula whimsically looks at a booby magazine in bed with her brother, asking if she'll ever have big tits. Later, in high school, Leon is so obsessive and controlling of his little sister that he flies into violent, jealous rages when he finds out she's been sleeping around. When Ursula gets knocked up, *DAD* has to perform the abortion -- which is fucking BAD ENOUGH but made double REALLY FUCKING BAD when Dad suggests that Leon sit in on the procedure to see if he'll learn a thing or two. WHAT. NO. WHYYYYYY. Later, when Leon and Ursula are college-aged, he decides he would very much enjoy being a professional poet -- then proceeds to write tomes of sonnets about RAPE. And not just rape! SISTER RAPE. Leon makes things ten times creepier (as if that were possible) by reading these gleefully to Ursula's dates.

Dude. Therapy. HAVE YOU HEARD OF IT?

Alas! If only this movie had ended somewhere around the hour mark! For the first deranged half of the film I was SEVERELY ENTERTAINED. Each scene was a little more fucked-up than the last, leaving me breathless and giggling. Such weird depravity! It was all so taboo and unusual that I couldn't help laughing. And yet... yet... there was all of that PUPPET BULLSHIT. I don't think that "BOY THINKS PUPPET IS REAL, EVERYONE ELSE WALKS ON EGGSHELLS" can really be sustained for a feature-length film. Rather, I don't think it SHOULD. But after all of the pseudo-sexual weirdness is out of the way, the second half of the film is just that. Ursula and Leon hanging out with Pin. Leon gleefully talking to Pin, and Ursula rolling her eyes, trying to put off talking to him about how he's clearly an idiot.

Pin + make-up = Ronald Reagan?

In the end, it was a decent enough movie, but it suffered from not knowing what to do outside of an hour. Had this been sliced down to a Twilight Zone running time it would have been fucking great. But there's only so much talking puppet bullcrap I can sit through without checking my watch.

IT'S TRIVIA TIME!: The film that Leon and Marcia see while on their date is "Scanners" -- David Hewlett (Leon) would later star in "Scanners II: The New Order".

ON A SCALE OF 1-10: Bizarre and inappropriate. 4.

~ WATCH THE TRAILER ~

How I Spent My Summer Vacation

Burnt Offerings - 1976
Starring: Oliver Reed, Karen Black, Bette Davis

PLOT: A married couple and their young son move into a gothic country estate for the summer, to act as caretakers while the owners are away. The catch? The house seems to have a mind of its own...

IN ONE WORD: PWNED!

MY TAKE: What a traumatizing little movie! (Check out Ponyboy's earlier review of this flick!) Now, I'm the biggest horror movie fan in the world. I especially love "haunted house" movies, whether they involve the pesky undead, or if the house itself is to blame for the ghostly shenanigans. Something about the idea that when you think you're alone, you might not BE ALONE is unfathomably horrible. If said house is a disheveled and dilapidated, sprawling Victorian mansion? ALL THE BETTER!

Our house, in the middle of our street!

As the credits roll, the Rolf family arrives at one such estate ready to perform their care-taking duties for the summer. Marian (the mother) is quite put-out that the home is already in such a state of disrepair, but Ben (the father) tries to put a positive spin on things. Little Davey (their son) is content to just run amok in the yard and wood piles. After getting the keys and a list of strange house rules from Arnold and Roz Allardyce (a creepy, elderly brother/sister duo) the Rolfs make themselves at home. Well, as much as they can.

It's not the best summer for Davey. :(

Almost immediately, things begin to go awry. Marion begins to develop an obsessive fascination with the elder Allardyce's sitting room, a place stuffed with tin-types and aged photographs of dead relatives. Ben becomes increasingly quick-to-anger, and on the verge of harming his own son for no discernible reason. Little Davey is a smart kid and knows something is amiss. Lucky for him, his Aunt Elizabeth (Bette Davis!) also picks up on the strange vibe. Things escalate from unnerving to flat-out deadly. Are they being taunted by beings from beyond the grave, or are they merely going stark raving crazy?

This is one of those borderline flicks. I think you're either going to giggle yourself stupid loving it, or simply be bored to tears. As for myself, I don't need much. A film with ATMOSPHERE is enough to keep me entertained. It doesn't need to be a full-octane thriller. Hell, it can just putter into the garage on fumes. But there's a difference between subtlety and laziness. This flick has subtlety. The lighting changes, small things shift and suddenly the mood is turned 180 degrees. It's just damned creepy.

Who are you tryin' to get crazy with, ese?
DON'T YOU KNOW I'M LOCOOOO?

By far, the best thing about this movie is Oliver Reed. The man plays crazy well (OH SO WELL). I think my favorite scene in the entire flick was one where dad and little Davey go swimming for the first time in the pool. At first they're horsing-around like father and son... but then FOR NO REASON, Ben goes batshit nuts and starts throttling the kid! He picks him up and slams him down in the water! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! Churning water and laughing and screaming! Dad picks up Davey and slams him down again like a gorilla testing luggage! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! *laaaaughs* Just when you think that it's going to stop, it goes *ON*! Dad is laughing and grimacing all bug-eyed like a madman, while Davey is flailing and crying and trying desperately to scramble away. It was altogether horrifying and completely fucking hilarious. I know you shouldn't laugh at little kids getting undeservedly hurt, but Jesus it was so over the top. God, I love Oliver Reed.

HOLD STILL! I'm just trying to drown you!

This movie also has one of the best WTF ENDINGS of any horror flick. It's almost an afterthought -- "Hey Joe! We forgot to put violence in the movie! Let's blow our wad in the last two minutes!" -- There is a chimney-pwning scene so awesome it must be seen to be believed.

IT'S TRIVIA TIME!: The house featured in this film is the SAME as the funeral home in the film Phantasm (1979)!

ON A SCALE OF 1-10: A creepy haunted house movie! 7!

~ WATCH THE TRAILER ~

Mrs. Bouvieeeeer!

Voodoo Academy - 2000
Starring: Starring? Ha ha ha. "Starring".

PLOT: Young Christopher has just enrolled at the prestigious Carmichael Bible College, managed by the somewhat unusual Mrs. Bouvier. After some unexplained disappearances, Christopher does some exploring and discovers that Mrs. Bouvier and the Reverend Carmichael have some very unwholesome intentions for the young men of their school. Will Christopher graduate with his body and soul intact?

IN ONE WORD: Cocktease.

MY TAKE: This is the gayest NON-GAY movie I've ever seen. I don't understand how you can jigsaw-together such a fantastic piece of shit, CLEARLY DESIGNED AS SOFTCORE GAY EROTICA, but then chicken out at the last second. "No no! No!!! Fuck this script -- Let's not have them touch each other. Or themselves. Perfect!" Wait-- What?!

Blondie-boy shows up at an "experimental" Bible College to study... well, not the BIBLE. But they're never really clear on this. He's there to learn something about a new religion that Father Muscles McSoulpatch invented. The script is very sketchy, but it looks like they dressed up Christianity with some crystals and wires and called it "THE NEW MILLENNIUM". I don't even know.

LIES! Straight boys don't wear that much lip gloss!

BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT! This is all an excuse to get a handful of gay boys (with artfully dyed hair) into sexy school uniforms with matching ties. Unfortunately, once the plot has these guys in a room together, it goes out to lunch. They spend an unusually lengthy amount of time trying to convince us that these boys are straight -- WHY GOD WHY -- when they are clearly not. It's a veritable Breakfast Club of stereotypes: The class clown who likes to play on the internet, the jock who likes to lift weights shirtless, the emo studious one, the one who wants to be a rockstar. Blondie-boy is new here so he doesn't have a personality. He's just the new one.

Straight boys *love* to strip naked, pump iron
and eye-fuck their roommates. OF COURSE.

Long story short -- and really, I'm going to save you an hour right here -- at dinner, the school headmistress makes all of the boys drink wine. When they go to sleep at night the *~*~MAGIC VOODOO WINE~*~* makes them all start fondling themselves in their sleep. This is not, however, as sexy as you might think. They never fondle each other, and they never -- NOT ONCE! -- stray below the equator. No no. They just sort of mewl and rub their chests. Mewl. Rub their chests. Mewl some more. Rub their chests some more. This goes on for A SOLID FUCKING HOUR. It is an INFURIATING COCKTEASE.

OMG JUST FUCKING MASTURBATE ALREADY!!

One by one, the boys sleepwalk into another room where the headmistress and Father Muscles McSoulpatch tie them to a table. The Priest rips the boys' clothes off, them pours wine all over them. He gives them a sexy rub-down BUT YOU KNOW, ONLY THE REALLY IMPORTANT PARTS LIKE HIS FUCKING *SHINS* AND *FOREARMS* BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT WE ALL WANT TO SEE, RIGHT? -- and then through the magic of AfterEffects and a glitter filter, the boys dissolve! Their heads reappear attached to little Voodoo Dolls. Okay, so now what? Nothing. That's it.

There is no reason to see this movie.

Well, that's not entirely true. There were a bunch of unintentionally hilarious moments that made me laugh until I nearly pissed myself. It might have had something to do with the fact that I was up for 24 hours before I watched this, and I was exceptionally punchy.

In one scene, we see a boy in a bathtub and a second standing to the side in a towel. (DON'T GET EXCITED, NOTHING SEXY HAPPENS). We are perplexed when one boy asks the other "Why did they build the bathroom like this?" IMPLYING that we're seeing something amazing, like a Turkish bathhouse -- I can only assume means to say "Why did they place this chair next to the tub?" because there is NOTHING OUT OF THE ORDINARY in this fucking bathroom. The other boy launches into an explanation of the 1950's Post-War architecture of the bathroom, to which we think "Wait... they know we can SEE THEM, right?" There's nothing Post-War about the architecture! It's three goddamned walls, a bathtub and a chair. WHY IS THIS EVEN A SCENE?????? They managed to turn a bathtub scene with multiple naked boys into something boring and horrible.

"Why did they build the bathroom like this?" (Wait, what?)

So, the headmistress's name is Mrs. Bouvier. I could NOT stop laughing every time anyone said her name. All I heard in my head, over and over, was Grampa Simpson screaming "MRS. BOOOOUVIEEEER!!!" and pounding on the glass during the Graduate spoof in "The Simpsons".

MRS. BOOOOOUVIEEEERRR!!!!!! @D@

So in a movie with an entirely male cast (except for MRS. BOOOOOUVIEEEERRR!!!!!, of course) you have ZERO guy-on-guy action. No kissing, no fondling, no sex, no nothing. It's all implied -- and at THAT they still insist the characters are straight. The closest you get is a scene in which one of the boys has a Prince-music-video-episode in the confessional, rips his shirt open and then sucks on his crucifix. The DVD blurb claims this is unofficially billed as "the first horror film for girls". It isn't. But this might be "the first horror film unofficially billed as the first horror film for girls (but is really for gay guys who love shitty movies)".

IT'S TRIVIA TIME!: There are boom mikes all over the place.

ON A SCALE OF 1-10: Horrible, yet amusing in an MST3K kind of way = 2

~ WATCH THE TRAILER ~

Bored... to DEATH!

Boogeyman - 2005
Starring: Barry Watson, Emily Deschanel

PLOT OUTLINE: A young man tries to deal with the childhood terror that has affected his life.

MY TAKE: Do you enjoy those slooooow, creeping shots where someone's reaching for a door handle -- slowly! slowly! fingers twitching! -- only to have some loud noise SCREECH really loud and have a cat jump out of nowhere? The kind of cheap shock that makes you have a heart attack for no reason? Let me ask again, do you enjoy this sort of thing? Do you REALLY *REALLY* enjoy it? Wouldn't you just love to have a two hour movie that consists of nothing but people reaching for doorhandles, and cats jumping out at them? OVER AND OVER? Oh boy! Then are YOU in for a treat! *claps hands excitedly!*

"Slowly Looking Over Your Shoulder: The Movie"!

In the first few minutes of the movie, we're treated to a lengthy and exploitative scene in which a little nine-year-old boy cowers in his bed, imagining shadows in his room are the Boogeyman. His dad finally comes in to check under the bed for him, and after looking into the closet is sucked in by an unseen monster, never to be seen again. Okay!

Cut to fifteen years later and the boy is all grown up, Our "hero" is Tim -- a poor-man's Skeet Ulrich (which is pretty sad considering that Skeet Ulrich was a poor-man's Johnny Depp ten years ago) and he's haunted by the boogeyman. Well, not so much the boogeyman, but he's got a phobia of closets. And the dark. And cabinets. Any sort of small enclosed space really. His apartment is flooded with lights and we see he's ripped the doors off of everything. It's not important that we see any of this, because none of this movie will be taking place at his apartment. Poor Tim and all of his meticulous planning.

Oh, you'll be hating him two hours from now, I guarantee.

He's got a girlfriend who is a total WASP. How? Why? This guy can barely string a sentence together without mumbling and yet he's dating some uber-rich blonde socialite. He goes to meet her family at their palatial mansion, to stay the weekend, where there are MANY, MANY CABINETS AND CLOSETS. Oh no Tim! But it's all of little consequence. He's not going to be spending the movie here either. What. Why... why, then? Why the build-up to this vacation and -- oh forget it.

Apparently, his mom spent time in an asylum, which we don't see. And apparently, she died, which we also don't see. But for some reason this spurs Tim to go back to his childhood home to spend "one night". For? Why? Tim is kind of a chicken-shit. There's no reason to believe that suddenly he'd decide to face his fear of medicine cabinets when he's built his life comfortably around AVOIDING CONFRONTATION WITH MEDICINE CABINETS. Nevermind that we see his mom in her casket for all of five seconds -- and they didn't bother to hire an old woman, which is bothersome. They just put LUCY LAWLESS in old-lady make-up. I spent the whole movie going "Wy did that do that?" until I saw a flashback scene where we see young Lucy Lawless. BUT, again, it was only for all of five seconds. Was she... just... BORED? Why did she do this movie?

Walk SLOWER, Tim! We have to fill two hours!

Tim walks from room to room. He casts loooong, sloooow looks over his shoulder. The camera SLOWLY zooms in on a cabinet door. He creeeeeeps forward. His hand lingers in front of the knob... BIG FLASH OF A BUNCH OF SCARY IMAGES! AN EYEBALL!! A DEAD BIRD!!! SCREECHING METAL CARCRASH NOISE!!!! ...he opens the cabinet door anyway... and nothing. Whew!

Repeat.

Repeat.

Repeat.

Repeat ten thousand fucking times.

FILL A MOVIE WITH OPENING DOORS. YES. PLEASE. JUST DO THIS ALL DAY. OH MY GOD THIS IS SO MUCH FUN. AND THE FACT THAT THE SCARES ARE POINTLESS AND EVERY TWENTY SECONDS OR SO JUST MAKES IT BETTER EVERY TIME IT HAPPENS. OH MY YES. HA HA HA HA HA.

ON A SCALE OF 1-10: This is a motherfucking 1.

~ WATCH THE TRAILER ~

It's as easy to learn as your a-b-c!

Murder by Numbers - 2002
Starring: Sandra Bullock, Ryan Gosling, Michael Pitt

THE PLOT: Two gifted high school students execute a "perfect" murder - then become engaged in an intellectual contest with a seasoned homicide detective.

IN ONE WORD: Betrayal.

MY TAKE: An wonderfully sick thriller about getting away with murder. Justin and Richard are two brilliant high school students, with no apparent connection to one another... except that beneath the surface they're bound to one another by their compulsion to commit the perfect crime. They're listless. They're bored. They've got time to kill. They want to see if they can get away with murder.

And they make one FINE LOOKING PAIR.

This is loosely based on the real-life murderers Leopold and Loeb. In the 1920's, two rich young friends (and supposed lovers) decided to pass the day by seeing if they could kill a boy and get away with it, which they almost did. Not to make light of murder, but I was always intrigued by the case. Since I knew that this film had similar elements, I knew it would be something entertaining. I wasn't wrong. This film hit all the right notes.

I am a fan of Sandra Bullock. Say what you may about her comedies, but she's got a believable human vulnerability about her. She is perfect in the role of Detective Mayweather -- a hardened investigator called to the scene of a grisly homicide. Everything seems in order, and yet she senses something is amiss. It's almost too perfect. Small clues lead her to a local high school, where she begins to investigate the two boys -- Justin and Richard. Though they are nothing alike, and don't even appear to know one another, Detective Mayweather smells a rat. But is she following a trail of clues, or being led astray by purposefully misleading evidence?

Is this all part of their plan?

We know from the beginning that the boys are killers. The interesting thing is watching it unravel. They are calculating. They are cool. They have an answer for everything. But the relationship between the two is strained by the violence -- they play off one another in a twisting battle of wills. Justin is meek but brilliant. Richard is rash and sadistic. One can't continue without the other, and yet they both know that their own fate lies in each other's hands. No one will get caught as long as they trust in each other. Stick to the plan. Don't talk. Don't say a word. Get away with murder.

If you're a fan of thrillers, this is a fun way to spend two hours. But if you're a fan of thrillers and hot teen boys, unresolved sexual tension, lots of face-grabbing with general homoriffic undertones? Then this is a FUCKING GREAT way to spend two hours. There is such a wonderful chemistry between Ryan Gosling and Michael Pitt that I was chewing on my hands. I would have been fine with just ONE scene of close-talking, angry sexual tension. But no! Oh ho ho no! This film gives us two, three, four. Fuck it! Every time they're on screen with one another, you feel it.

Like great horny heat waves.

IT'S TRIVIA TIME!: Ryan Gosling actually threw up while filming the murder scenes.

ON A SCALE OF 1-10: A pair of dashing devils. 7.

~ WATCH THE TRAILER ~

Daddy drank!

Burnt Offerings - 1976
Starring: Oliver Reed, Karen Black, Bette Davis

THE PLOT: Summer caretakers moving into gothic house with their young son. The catch? The house rejuvenates a part of itself with each death that occurs on its premises...

IN A WORD: MOVE.

FUCKING HOUSE!!!

QUICKIE REVIEW: It's been a while since I'd seen "Burnt Offerings", and I had forgotten how great and ROYALLY FUCKED UP this movie is. Now that I'm such an Oliver Reed fangirl, I'm glad I watched it again. He's so freaking HOT in this! Anyway, "Burnt Offerings" is your typical story about a family who moves into an old mansion that begins to possess and change them in different ways. Mom's hair starts going gray, and she starts dressing and behaving like a creepy old lady. Busty, boozy old fun-loving Grandma (Bette Davis) has a startling slide into decrepitude and senility. The kid seems to be unaffected, when he's not being THROTTLED BY HIS LUNATIC FATHER and suffocated in his sleep. Dad (Oliver Reed) just fucking comes UNHINGED, trying to drown his kid, rape his wife, having hallucinations of evil, grinning hearse-driving ghouls... The house itself starts to change -- repairing itself and appearing newer and more and more tended as the people inside it suffer. Is it... is it FEEDING on their suffering? I think you know the answer. Still, excellent film. The ending of this movie scarred me for LIFE as a child! (Read Mr. B Natural's review of this movie!)

Dad's kind of losing his shit.


Poor Davey puts up with a LOT.

IT'S TRIVIA TIME!: Karen Black was four months pregnant during the shoot, and explains that her belly was concealed with some clever wardrobe tactics.

ON A SCALE OF 1-10: Atmospheric and spooky twist on the haunted house genre. 7!

~ WATCH THE TRAILER ~

30 Days of Shitting Your Pants

30 Days of Night - 2007
Starring: Josh Hartnett, Melissa George, Ben Foster

PLOT OUTLINE: After an Alaskan town is plunged into darkness for a month, it is attacked by a bloodthirsty gang of vampires.

MY TAKE: It would be a conservative estimate to say I've seen around 500 horror movies in my adult life. You can argue that someone who has seen that many violent or disturbing films would be severely desensitized to shocks and scares, and you'd be right! It takes a lot to upset me, and it takes something extraordinary to downright scare me shitless. "30 Days of Night" found me close to hysterical. There have only been two films in the last ten years that got under my skin and scared me so badly. The first was "The Descent". This? So much more.

One of the most viscerally disturbing films in recent years.

Barrow, Alaska is a small town on the northernmost point of the Arctic circle. Our story begins as the sun is setting. It will not be seen again for a month. The people that don't deal well with the darkness kiss their loved ones goodbye and head south to Seattle. Others stay. Everything is routine, except... well, THAT'S odd. All of the cellphones in town were stolen and burned in a bonfire. And something horrible has happened to all of the sled dogs... Eben, the local sheriff (played by the surprisingly -- I'll say it -- fantastic Josh Hartnett) has his hands full running back and forth across town dealing with strange, violent and seemingly sudden rashes of vandalism.

This movie doesn't waste a moment. It quickly lets loose with the most graphic, most bone-chilling horrific spectacle of gore and mayhem in recent memory. his movie reinvents vampires the way "28 Days Later" reinvented zombies. They are not sexy, they are unstoppable. They are walking evil. Gnashing, sharp, demonic, screaming, roaring evil. I've seen gentler shark attacks.

And they're smart. ...like velociraptors!

Oh, yes. They know they're got a month of darkness and they're willing to take their time. They don't sleep. They just kill. And wait. And kill. And wait. And kill. And they won't stop killing until the thirty days of night have ended. They go home to home, searching every room. It's only a matter of time. And there's no leaving. Not with 80 miles of frozen arctic between the survivors and safety. And no one is coming. The town is shut down until the darkness has ended. And no one knows. There's no way to call for help. And they're killing and killing and killing. And there's nowhere to hide.

Josh Hartnett is great. I don't know how he got stuck with the "cutesy teen actor" title, because he's really far better than that. It's disarming how quickly we care about his character, which just invests us all further in the film. Ben Foster is AMAZING as The Stranger. He is so sinister and alarmingly creepy that it's hard to recognize him. Also, I think Melissa George was wonderful as the female lead. She plays the heroine as good as any horror film actress, perhaps better because, though beautiful, she's not relying on her looks for you to find her vulnerable. AND WHAT CAN I SAY ABOUT THE VAMPIRES? On one hand I hope this becomes the standard for vampire films from here on out. On the other hand? It was so fucking scary I don't know if I could take it.

IT'S TRIVIA TIME!: Josh Hartnett did all of his own stunts. Fancy that!

ON A SCALE OF 1-10: Brutal and relentless. Almost perfect. 9.

~ WATCH THE TRAILER ~

All the damned vampires.

The Kiss of the Vampire - 1963
Starring: Edward de Souza, Jennifer Daniel

PLOT OUTLINE: British honeymooning couple Gerald and Marianne Harcourt find themselves stranded in a secluded Bavarian village when their car runs out of fuel. They find refuge at a curiously deserted hotel, and are invited to dinner by the Ravnas, a noble family inhabiting a nearby chateau -- alas, the Ravna family is actually a vampiric cult who have now set their sites on Marianne...

MY TAKE: Total snoozefest. As far as Hammer vampire films go, this one is very mundane. It doesn't have Peter Cushing *OR* Christopher Lee to give the cast any weight, and it's still a little too early in the Hammer catalogue to bust out with the hardcore nudity. It falls limply into that third bin of "forgettable filler".

NOTHING HAPPENS! The couple's car breaks down. Eventually they make it to the ironically titled "GRAND HOTEL", what with it's barely coherent, Rif-Raf-esque concierge and decor straight out of "Just Throw Some Shit On The Walls" life & style magazine. They sit around and endure the hotel owner (giving him way *WAY* too much screentime in my opinion) until the *~*~FANCY FOLKS~*~* from up in the hills send a letter to invite them all to dinner.

The unbridled excitement of sitting quietly!

Things begin to glimmer faintly with possibility with the introduction of the Ravna family, most notably young Carl. He entertains the group by playing the piano intensely. One might say, almost COMICALLY. Furrowed brow! Beady eyes! Glaring! Pounding away! The music seems to intoxicate Marianne, and we lean forward expectantly thinking something is about to happen! OH WAIT, BUT IT'S NOT.

Because it's time to go back to the hotel and spend more time with the weird, balding, rat-faced innkeeper. The next 40 minutes is a waste of time. We wait in growing frustration for the characters to realize what we already know -- that Dr. Ravna is undead and the Ravnas are vampire worshippers.

Then things become miraculously (surprisingly)
ENJOYABLE for an entire scene! Yippee!

Marianne and Gerald are invited back to the castle to a masquerade ball. Everyone is in fancy costumes and masks. Flowered hair! Pearls! Glitter! Pageantry! The intense young Carl sweeps Marianne away from her husband and takes to the dance floor. They waltz in their masks as the crowd melts away. Meanwhile Gerald has been dragged to another part of the party and is being plied with liquor. You see, the partygoers are all members of the Ravna cult. The ball is an elaborate game to separate the lovers and capture Marianne. IT WORKS! She's lured away from the lights and music... and into the fanged clutches of Dr. Ravna!

Alas, the rest of the film fails to capture the interest of this sequence, which is fairly disappointing. But there are plenty of unintentional laughs to be had. In a bold move I haven't seen used in ANY vampire film before, our heroes decide to SUMMON SATAN (Yes! *That* Satan!) because logically Satan will go and give the smack down to these wacky cultists. (What? Okay. Sure!) When Satan makes an appearance, it's as a tornado of vampire bats! YES! Hundreds of rubber bats on strings swirl around the castle and descend on the cultists!! Screaming! Mayhem! RUBBER FUCKING BATS ON FUCKING STRINGS! They bounce and twitter and smack into the actors, who flail and tumble to the ground in comedic fashion.

ON A SCALE OF 1-10: Ten minutes of intrigue do not a movie make. 2.

~ WATCH THE TRAILER ~

I got 99 problems, but a bitch ain't one.

The Brides of Dracula - 1960

Starring: Peter Cushing, Yvonne Monlaur

THE PLOT: A young French woman is on her way to a prestigious teaching position in Transylvanian girls academy, when she is unexpectedly abandoned by her cabbie. Forced to stay the night in the severe Baroness Meinster's castle, she encounters a mysterious young man chained in a tower. But by setting him free, she innocently unleashes the horrors of the undead upon the countryside, including the young women of her school! Luckily for some, Dr Van Helsing is already on his way.

MY TAKE: Dracula -- is not actually in this film! I know what you're thinking: WHAT A RIPOFF, right? Well, yes. But they still manage to pull off a fun flick SANS the Prince of Darkness, thanks to Peter "Commander Awesome" Cushing. Although, I must say that the vampire in the leading role is one of the fucking GOOFIEST villains I've ever seen.

But if you think he looks stupid HERE...


...You should see him swinging a chain!

WHY a vampire lord has to battle people Double-Dragon-style is beyond me. I'm not sure they really put too much thought into this. For every scene where he (in all his bottle blonde, Gilderoy Lockhart glory) gets into an actual scuffle with someone, there are TWO scenes where he goes running away like a coward.

Thank goodness Peter Cushing is on the case, as the always entertaining Dr. Van Helsing! He struts around in his fur coat, commanding authority and looking insanely fuckable next to that clownshoes vampire.

It says "MRS. PETER CUSHING" all over my school binder.

IT GOES LIKE THIS: When the young French teacher (Marianne) winds up stranded in the Transylvanian hills, she meets an elderly Baroness who offers to put her up for the night. While exploring the Baroness' estate, Marianne discovers a handsome man who has been chained up for no apparent reason. She sets him free and TADAAAA!!! *jazzhands* He's a vampire! \:D/ GOOD JOB, MARIANNE.

What follows is pretty standard vampire fare, albeit SILLY enough to be thoroughly entertaining. The undead fiend makes a few more vampires from some of the girls around the village, hence the "BRIDES" in the title of the film. He manages to keep his identity as a bloodsucker a secret from Marianne (thanks to what I am calling A GIGANTIC FUCKING PLOT HOLE) and woos her to be his girlfriend.

Maybe it's a rule that goofy-looking vampires
can only spawn OTHER goofy-looking vampires.

The finale of the film comes quickly -- and while it initially might strike you as baffling (or even a little stupid) you'll have to admit it is ORIGINAL. Have you ever seen a vampire get PWNED by a windmill? THAT is worth the rental alone.

IT'S TRIVIA TIME!: Contrary to popular belief, Christopher Lee did not refuse to appear in this film, rather he was not asked for fear that the studio would have to pay him more money.

ON A SCALE OF 1-10: Unintentionally funny. 4.

~ WATCH THE TRAILER ~

Everybody do the 69!

Hai-Alarm auf Mallorca - 2004
Starring: Ralf Moeller, Gregor Bloeb

THE PLOT: A German man goes apeshit all over some non-specific Mediterranean island when the GIGANTIC shark who killed his wife reappears. Just in time for the big jet ski race!

IN ONE WORD: SHARKALARM!!!

MY TAKE: Oh Jesus. This movie. You don't understand. THIS MOVIE. *holds head* Just... God. In case Mr. B Natural's earlier review of this wasn't enough to convince you to rush out and rent this atrocious piece of cinema garbage, please. Allow me. There is nothing in this movie that isn't completely ridiculous in every conceivable way. If German shark attack movies were eligible for Razzie Awards, this movie would sweep -- because, BELIEVE ME. This level of stupidity on film *NEEDS* to be remembered. LEST WE FORGET...

So, what's it about? When the movie begins, we think it's going to be about the legend of a sunken pirate ship, a pair of lost lovers... BUT WAIT! Cut to modern day -- a tourist cage-diving operation. No? A military pilot and his scientist girlfriend? No... OKAY, so at least we know that there are sharks. Wait -- just ONE shark. The size of an aircraft carrier?!! Or... a government facility breeding super-smart great whites? A mad scientist!! Or is it about a teen romance and a big jet-ski race? TWO big jet-ski races? No -- it's a REVENGE picture, about a man avenging his murdered wife?! Wait wait wait... OKAY. So, it's a comedy, right? That explains the subplot with the fat German guy grilling sausages that they KEEP RETURNING TO... And, what, FOUR car chase scenes? Through, what is this? -- the streets of PRAGUE?! Wait. Aren't we in the Mediterranean? Wherever we are, I can't shake the feeling that this whole movie was constructed as a vehicle to launch the career of this truly shitty pop band... "EVERYBODY DO THE 69!!!"

IF YOU ARE CONFUSED: Trust me. Watching it doesn't help.

Believe it or not, this movie does actually have two things going for it! First of all, the shark effects, while over-the-top, are actually pretty decent! They outshine most of the tripe you'd see on, say, the Sci-Fi Channel. The sharks are big and fast, and despite the fact that there are a lot of them, there AREN'T that many attacks. I guess when you're so busy showing shitty Swedish pop bands, German sausage chefs, and wacky car chases -- there's only so many shark attacks you can get around to.... in a movie about shark attacks.

The main selling point of this movie, and why I think it should be REQUIRED VIEWING for the human race, is how FUCKING HILARIOUS it is. Completely unintentional, but MAN ALIVE, did this movie make me laugh!!! If it doesn't sound ridiculous enough already, add into the mix the beefy Swedish main character "Sven" -- a hulking behemoth of a man who never ONCE takes off his shirt, despite having a brawny chest *AND* being submerged in the water no less than half the movie. Also hilarious? The costumes. Sven dresses, I remarked to Mr. B, like he got his clothes out of a donation box. Like somehow he found himself naked, outside, then sneaked into someone's backyard and stole clothes off of a clothesline. He looks fucking HOMELESS.

Not to mention the SHARK ALARM! bit of the movie, where Sven hauls ass across town in his Jeep, drives off a CLIFF, almost runs over a few beach-goers, leaps from his car and -- arms flapping -- marches up and down the beach quacking SHARK ALARM! SHARK ALARM! in the same dispassionate, squawking monotone, with no change in inflection, volume, or urgency. It was funny the first ten times he said it. After about 30, I was completely losing my shit. I was laughing so hard, I thought I ripped something. I'm going to have to get the DVD and put this scene up on YouTube, because it is ***SERIOUSLY*** the funniest thing I have seen in months. I want it as a ringtone!!

SHARK ALARM! SHARK ALARM!

In conclusion, this movie is so ridiculously terrible and retardedly hilarious that it just HAS to be seen to be believed. If you've got NetFlix, you can watch the movie instantly (for free!) on your computer. I could go on and on here, but really -- I think you get the point. If you're looking for something PAINFULLY STUPID to watch, this is THE movie.

ON A SCALE OF 1-10: Terrible. So Terrible. But HILARIOUS. 3!

EDIT: HOLY SHIT, HERE'S THE CLIP


EDIT2: OMG HERE'S THE RINGTONE
(Thank you, Jenn! You rock!)

And these wonderful people are you and I.

Heavenly Creatures - 1994
Starring: Melanie Lynskey, Kate Winslet

THE PLOT: Two girls have an intense fantasy life; their parents, concerned the fantasy is too intense, separate them, and the girls take revenge.

IN A WORD: IN. TENSE.

QUICKIE REVIEW: This movie is fucking phenomenal. Half-way through watching it, I knew it was instantly one of the best films I've ever seen. After watching it, I'm convinced it's in my top five. Peter Jackson tells in startlingly accurate detail the true story of two girls in 1950's Australia and the brutal murder they committed together. When Pauline, a strange, withdrawn outsider, meets the outgoing Juliet, the two become fast friends. Their friendship morphs and deepens as they develop an intricate and elaborate fantasy world -- a world that consumes them. They begin role playing as their imaginary characters, writing novels and plays and operas, spending every waking second together... and enter into what their parents fear is a romantic relationship. When the threat of their permanent separation looms, Pauline and Juliet will do anything to remain together... even kill. This is an absolute true story, and has been applauded by the entire film community not only as an amazing, shocking, and glorious film -- but also for its honesty in the depiction of the gruesome and heartbreaking events as they really happened. The locations in the film are all the real locations. The majority of Pauline's lines were taken verbatim from the numerous journals she kept. After this film was released, it was discovered that one of the girls, Juliet Hulme, was actually famous mystery author Anne Perry. This movie will shake you to your fucking bones. If you are a writer or a fan of lesbian love stories, or if you just love great movies -- SEE THIS IMMEDIATELY.

IT'S TRIVIA TIME!: A picture on the wall in Pauline's bedroom is a photograph of the real Juliet Hulme.

ON A SCALE OF 1-10: Heartbreaking psychological chiller. SOLID 10.

~ WATCH THE TRAILER ~

Please don't fuck your brother.

Spirits of the Dead - 1968
(Histoires Extraordinaires)
Starring: Jane Fonda, Brigitte Bardot, Terence Stamp

MY TAKE: I saw my first Fellini film! Considering I fancy myself a film buff, you'd think I'd have gotten around to seeing one by now, but no -- tonight's was my first. Actually it was a trifecta: "Spirits of the Dead" (Histoires Extraordinaires), a series of three short films based on the works of Edgar Allen Poe and directed by three men who really require no introduction -- Roger Vadim, Louis Malle, and Federico Fellini. The three segments were all creepy, sexy, and otherworldly, but maaaaan Fellini took the cake HANDS DOWN. It was like watching David Lynch wrestle Terry Gilliam on Martian hallucinogens. XD

Countess Frederique is a MAJOR bitch.

The first segment, "Metzengerstein" (directed by Roger Vadim), stars a young and foxy Jane Fonda as a cruel countess whose servants indulge her every whim. Drunken orgies, banquets, hunts, physical abuse and mental torture of young page boys -- nothing is denied! But when her super hunky cousin Wilhelm (who we joked the whole time bore an UNCANNY resemblance to her real-life brother, Peter Fonda, and it turns out it actually *WAS* her real life brother Peter Fonda, which makes this segment EXTRA KINKY and weird) rebuffs her sexual advances, she doesn't know how to deal with it. Rest assured, she pulls a dramatic stunt that BACKFIRES COMPLETELY, and leaves her haunted and tormented... WOW is she ever gorgeous in this. Her gowns are just to DIE for. So is Peter Fonda. Man, it's like 99% more kinky now that I know that was him and not just some dude who looked like him.

Wilhelm is dreamy in a "Howl's Moving Castle" kind of way.

Part two is all about this ASSHOLE, "William Wilson" (directed by Louis Malle). He's handsome, he's charismatic, and he's a fucking sociopath. As a young child, he gets off on beating and torturing his classmates. He practically runs the school, and nobody questions his authority. His eyes are cold and dead, and it is obvious there is no good in him. When another child shows up at school with his EXACT same name, William can't stand it. It becomes his mission to destroy the other William Wilson. But as evil as the original William is, the new William is good. It drives Bad!William up the fucking wall, as Good!William dogs his steps and salts his fucking game time and time again. As a grown man, Bad!William is more handsome and evil than ever. Surrounded by the ever-present throng of underlings, he gets away with some HEINOUS shit... or he WOULD be getting away with it, if Good!William hadn't shown up to stop him. He has also inexplicably grown up to resemble Bad!William like an identical twin. But what does it mean?!!! What will happen if Bad!William succeeds in destroying his rival?! This was very fun and scandalous, and Brigitte Bardot is just LUSCIOUS AS FUCK.

Toby Dammit just wants to get the fuck out of here.

The final story was, as Eli Roth has said, "a fucking masterpiece". Terence Stamp (ZOD!) stars as "Toby Dammit" (directed by Federico Fellini). He's a burned out, drunken, hopelessly miserable actor, who has come to Rome for *some* fucking reason, and stumbles from venue to gruesome venue, dodging the ghoulish press, attending awards ceremonies, and generally losing his fucking MIND. All he wants is the Ferrari they promised him so he can FUCKING LEAVE, but it's like a horrible circus that just refuses to end. Damned if I know what was going on half the time, but I loved every second of it. It was like trying to crawl your way out of a bad drug-induced nightmare -- not at ALL like you were sitting on your couch watching a DVD. This transported me away to a hellish place where I was laughing my ass off at the same time I was anxiously struggling to breathe. Just MAGIC. Gleeful black magic.

The face of pure evil? YES.

Definitely not a movie for casual film fans -- trust me, it's fucking OUT THERE. But man, did I ever enjoy it.

IT'S TRIVIA TIME!: Peter O'Toole was originally cast as Toby Dammit. After he pulled out, Fellini contacted a London casting agency and asked them to send the most decadent actors they had to Rome to see him. They sent Terence Stamp and James Fox, and Fellini chose Stamp.

ON A SCALE OF 1-10: Nearly flawless mindfuck of a movie. 9.

~ WATCH THE TRAILER ~

Captain Kickass

Captain Kronos: Vampire Hunter - 1974

Starring: Horst Janson, Shane Briant, Caroline Munro

THE PLOT: A master swordsman and his hunchbacked assistant hunt vampires.

IN ONE WORD: Adventure!

MY TAKE: Could this be the greatest movie the Hammer Film Productions franchise ever produced? For my money, I will give that a resounding hell yes. Wherever there is evil to be vanquished... Captain Kronos is there! Together with his traveling companion, the brilliant scientist Professor Hieronymos Grost (aka "Old Humpy") he scours the countryside in search of foes to vanquish. He's not a hero for hire... he's a hero for the hell of it. No payment required! He's in it for the adventure, the babes, possibly the men too -- hey, he's German. And not least of all, to slake his unquenchable bloodlust.

I mean, I'm only assuming. But for a hero, he sure
does kill a HELL OF ALOT OF NON-VAMPIRES.

News of a mysterious vampire plague brings Kronos and Grost to a new land where young, vibrant women are being drained of their youth! Some vile fiend is preying on the innocent and robbing them of beauty, leaving a trail of shriveled-up corpses in their wake. It's up to Team Kronos to DO LIKE THE TITLE OF THE DVD SAYS, and hunt that damned vampire!!

Along the way they encounter a peasant girl named Carla who has been locked in the public stocks for the crime of "dancing on a Sunday". With narry a word, Kronos whips out his sword and cleaves the lock in twain! *dashing!* Overcome with his blonde, glittery macho-ness, Carla tags along and joins the team of adventurers. But WHY, you ask?

...to bang Kronos! AND BANG HIM GOOD!

Allow me to get sidetracked a bit here. *ahem* While Kronos is clearly enjoying himself for the run of the film, happily plowing Carla in a few (hoooooot) scenes -- there's a certain unintentional slashiness to the whole flick. HEY. It was the 70's. When Kronos meets up with his old military buddy -- Dr. Marcus -- his interest in his girlfriend takes a backseat. These two have history! It's a sort of... Han Solo/Lando Calrissian thing. They are constantly touching each other, and talking a little too close. Sort of generally being WAY TOO DAMNED SEXY in one another's proximity. So therefor, I'm dubbing them boyfriends and moving on.

Totally fucking.

He's dashing! He's handsome! He's always taking his clothes off for some reason or another! *cackles* As far as Hammer heroes go, he is firmly at the top of my list -- not only for being a memorable, likeable, strong leading character -- but for being a total beefcake as well. Let me be perfectly honest here. I would soooo do Kronos. I'm not EVEN gonna front.

Oh, you would too. Don't even lie.

BACK TO THE STORY! Yes! There was one! *coughs* So together with Carla (the peasant girl), Grost (the scientist) and Marcus (the military man), Kronos proceeds with recklessness into the dangerous hills to ferret out his killer. AND THERE ARE SUSPECTS, oh yes! In particular, the gang sets their sites on the local well-to-do family of aristocrats, the Durwards. They're attractive... SUSPICIOUSLY attractive.

Together, brother Paul and sister Sara reside on their lavish estate -- lazing the days away waiting for their mother to die. Paul is a haughty, emotionless snot, while the beautiful Sara detests the sight of aging people. They make quite a pair. Quite... a... good-looking... pair. WHAT THE FUCK. MUST EVERYONE BE SO BREATH-TAKINGLY GORGEOUS???

Bad touching! BAD TOUCHING! Paul, that is your sister.

I won't give away any of the fun twists that come with Kronos & Crew's investigation -- suffice to say that this movie has a great script, with some fun revelations you might not see coming. It's anything but your standard plot. Things are not always what they seem... and villains could be lurking anywhere! Dun-dun-DUNNN!

The movie is jam-packed with action sequences, which are all quite artfully shot. The director makes full use of dynamic camera angles and lighting to achieve the highest level of anxiety possible -- and they *DO* get the blood pumping! Chase scenes! Daring swordplay! It's fast-paced and electrifying!

Occultism abound! Science & folklore work hand in hand!

It's more than entertaining to see some of the different measures Captain Kronos resorts to in order to hunt and kill his faceless foe. With the help of Professor Grost, he employs all sorts of arcane measures -- some I've never even *heard* of. Wacky, zany, Mousetrap, kind of diving tools such as boxes of dead frogs and a forest spider-webbed in red ribbon and bells. It sounds strange until they explain it. Trust me, it's FUN.

Also, the body count is through the roof. When all is said and done, I think that Captain Kronos actually ends up killing MORE villagers than the vampire in question. Which is pretty fucking hilarious, when you think about it. And yet, it's not as if he goes looking for trouble. He's just a magnet for idiots who want to test his BOSS SWORD SKEELZ. Please, drunk people of 1890's Europe, do not pick a fight with Captain Kronos.

He will kill you.


Or you know... fuck you senseless.

IT'S TRIVIA TIME!: This was to have been the first in a series of films. The poor box office cancelled those plans. The poor returns also contributed to the decline in the box office track record of Hammer Films. (Curse them all to hell.)

ON A SCALE OF 1-10: Swashbuckling vampire action! 10 baby!

~ WATCH THE TRAILER ~

The Devil went down to Georgia...

The Devil Rides Out - 1968
Starring: Christopher Lee & Charles Gray

THE PLOT: The Duc de Richeleau and his friend Rex discover their young charge Simon has fallen in with the powers of Darkness and is about to be baptized into the service of evil. The Duc is fortunately versed in such matters and finds himself locked in a duel with the deadly Mocata, disciple of the left-hand path.

IN A WORD: SATAN!

MY TAKE: You know that moment when you're watching an older film (in my case a classic horror movie from the 60's) and you're enjoying it because you love classic movies -- but suddenly you realize you're on the edge of your seat and this movie is really holding its own against its big-budget modern counterparts? I love it when this happens. Especially when it's unexpected. It's a great feeling to know you're dusting off some old movie hardly anybody remembers and it's a total fucking gem. It makes you kind of feel like Indiana Jones.

And it's this feeling that hits you square in the chest at the beginning of the third act in 1968's "The Devil Rides Out". Until this point, it's still a wildly enjoyable film. Veteran horror GOD Christopher Lee helms the adventure as the hero of the story, a wealthy duke who moonlights secretly as a powerful warlock bent on protecting 1930's London from Satan and the forces of darkness. Didn't see that one coming, did ya? Lee is FABULOUS as the good guy, and gets to flex his skillful acting chops all over this fucking picture. It's obvious how much he enjoys the role -- and partly explains why this is Christopher Lee's favorite film to have ever been involved with. In fact, he has often stated that he would *LOVE* to see this movie re-made with modern special effects, and himself re-cast in an elderly version the same role.


Chrisopher you sexy bitch.
The film follows the ~young and incredibly sexy~ Duc de Richleau (Lee) and his skeptical friend Rex as they attempt to infiltrate a secret Satanic society and rescue their old war buddy Simon from its otherworldly clutches. The Big Bad is played by Mr. I Have No Neck himself, Charles Gray of "Rocky Horror" fame, and JEEEEESUS is he ever effective in this role. The evil and mysterious Mocata rules his flock with black magic and terrifying psychic powers. Voodoo, mind control, human sacrifices -- this guy does it all. But even though this is an old horror movie, this shit doesn't come off as corny. Quite the contrary. Time and time again the darkness of this film is genuinely unnerving. By the time the third act rolls around -- where White magic battles Black magic in an epic battle for souls -- you *WILL* be freaked the fuck out. Trust me.


Charles Gray is a very bad man.

I was fucking SURPRISED how scary this movie got, and FAST. But I was less surprised by this when I remembered that this film was penned by horror author/screenwriter extraordinaire Richard Matheson, who you might remember from such features as The Twilight Zone, Kolchak: The Night Stalker/Strangler, Somewhere in Time, Trilogy of Terror, Amazing Stories, The Outer Limits, Duel, The Omega Man, What Dreams May Come, Stir of Echoes, Star Trek, The Alfred Hitchcock Hour, I Am Legend, and one of my favorite films of all time The Legend of Hell House. This fucker knows how to write suspense, and if there's any doubt he knows how to write horror... well just try and run that by Mr. Stephen King, who reveres Matheson as his biggest writing influence and even dedicated his recent book "Cell" to him. Don't even get me STARTED on his novels -- "I Am Legend" is one of the finest horror novels ever written. Believe me. The name "Richard Matheson" is the stamp of fucking APPROVAL in my book, and his particular brand of horrifying black magic is evident -- FUCKING PALPABLE -- as this movie draws to its startling conclusion.


Duc de Richleau knows his shit.
I don't want to spoil a thing about "The Devil Rides Out", because it's just that good. You take an AMAZING horror actor, an AMAZING horror author, and a whole bunch of evil Satanic overtones that really push the 1960's envelope -- you got yourself a DAMN fine movie. You may have never heard of it, but that doesn't mean it won't rock your world. Check this one out. You will NOT be disappointed.


Watch it! The power of Mocata compels you!

IT'S TRIVIA TIME!: The movie's US title was changed to "The Devil's Bride" because its original title made it sound much too much like a Western.

ON A SCALE OF 1-10: Good VS. Evil in a battle for souls! 8!

~ WATCH THE TRAILER ~

Is that a scythe or are you just happy to see me?

HellBent - 2004

Starring: Dylan Fergus, Bryan Kirkwood

QUICKIE RECOMMENDATION: WELL! Color me impressed! This was a surprisingly great horror movie. I went into it expecting it to be a lame excuse for a porno (seeing as how I only ever heard of it while poking around Netflix), but I was thrilled to discover a genuinely scary, well-acted, hoprror flick with a tight script and some amazing camera work.

"A serial killer stalks the streets of West Hollywood on a wild and wooly Halloween night in this gay horror tale." It features actual footage from West Hollywood's flamboyant Halloween Carnival, which is just... outrageous. It's like a hyper gay technophonic psychadelic colorful orgy of wackiness! The movie centers on five gay men who are chased by a crazed killer through an obstacle course of outrageously costumed party-goers, dirty dancers and sexy shenanigans! OH THOSE SHENANIGANS! Ladies and germs, I think I just found my "watch this every Halloween" movie.

One of the best slasher movies the genre has coughed up in years.

IT'S TRIVIA TIME!: MeatLocker, the fetish club featured in the movie, is in reality a church. When filming ran late on Saturday night, the crew had to race to remove all the hanging rubber corpses before Sunday service.

ON A SCALE OF 1-10: Old-school scary in a new-school way. 8.

~ WATCH THE TRAILER ~

You know the Holocaust? Picture the exact opposite of that.

The Gift - 2000

Starring: Cate Blanchett, Giovanni Ribisi, Keanu Reeves

THE PLOT: A woman with extrasensory perception is asked to help find a young woman who has disappeared.

IN A WORD: Creepy.

MY TAKE: I know I've seen my fair share of shitty movies in recent years, and I'm not gonna lie -- I've enjoyed quite a few of them -- but I can't explain why people hated "The Gift" so fucking much. I have heard NOTHING but terrible things about this movie. It seems like every person who has ever mentioned it to me has either said "IT SUCKS" (emphatically) or "It's only worth seeing for Katie Holmes' tits". After just finishing watching it, I'm really confused. Because I know shitty movies (believe me) and this wasn't shitty. This was a GOOD movie! *astounded* I really liked it!

Cate Blanchett is amazing, as usual.

It's all about a small town woman named Annie (Cate Blanchett) who makes her living as a card-reading psychic. Her predictions are eerily accurate, due to the fact that she is actually VERY psychic and not swindling her customers. When she tells her battered friend to leave her no-good husband, she unwittingly becomes the focus of his rage. Did I mention he's Keanu Reeves and that I *LOVED* seeing him as a bad guy? And that he's extremely convincing as a menacing wife-beater?? And that I'm kind of sick for finding him so hot in this??? Yeah, *lol* he's pretty great. On top of all this drama, there is a real murder mystery. A missing woman that nobody can locate... except maybe a psychic? Of course this brings all kinds of hell down on her and her poor family, both physical and psychic. And while the film may play out a bit predictable, it's nonetheless an extremely EFFECTIVE paranormal thriller. It's written by Billy Bob Thornton, who you might remember won an OSCAR for writing, and it's directed by Sam Raimi who knows a thing or two about horror. The CG and creepy dream-effects during Annie's psychic visions are spellbinding. It's not the sleeping-with-the-lights-on scare-a-minute horror movie a lot of people wanted, and it's not the labyrinthine mystery other people wanted, but damn if it isn't a fantastic psychic mystery featuring some really outstanding actors and a writer/director combo that certainly knows the fuck what they're doing.

I love Keanu Reeves. Shut up.

So my only guess as to why this movie seems to attract people's ire is that they lined up for tits and big scares and were forced to sit through a thoughtful, quietly eerie thriller that wasn't SCARY-scary to get to the tits. Ignore the movie snobs! I loved it. If you haven't seen this and you want to check out a genuinely spooky film about real-world psychic abilities, ghosts, and murder (yes, with tits) then totally rent "The Gift". It's sure to get you in the mood for Halloween!

IT'S TRIVIA TIME!: Annie's car is "The Classic" - the famous Delta 88 Oldsmobile that appears in every Evil Dead movie and nearly every other Raimi movie.

ON A SCALE OF 1-10: Spooky psychic mystery! 6!

~ WATCH THE TRAILER ~

I want an hour and a half of my life back.

Howling: New Moon Rising - 1995
Starring: Clive Turner

QUICKIE REVIEW: I want an hour and a half of my life back. This is WITHOUT A DOUBT the worst movie I have ever seen in my entire life. Not even enjoyable as a schlocky bad movie -- it's just. Effing. TERRIBLE. To say that there is no plot is a GROSS understatement. It is, in all literal honesty, an hour and a half of drunk 50-something countryfolk line dancing (silently, strangely, in the dark), singing campfire songs, and making fart jokes. There are no less than TEN SONGS in the movie, all sung by old-timers in what I can only assume is some kind of daycare/retirement village for aging hillbillies... ALL the action happens off-screen. ALL OF IT. It's really like three movies in one, when you consider how much of it is spent showing clips from PREVIOUS movies in the franchise, and following the rambling, endless conversation between a priest and an apparent homeless drunk in a stolen Colonel Sanders costume... If you're renting this for the werewolves, I'll save you the trouble -- have you ever seen a rubber kid's Halloween mask of a werewolf? Like, a really, really cheap one? Well, there you go. If sitting through an hour and a half of the cheapest, slowest, dullest home movies of geriatric cowboys is your idea of a good time, well HELL -- this is your Citizen Kane. (Read Mr. B Natural's review of this movie!)

ON A SCALE OF 1-10: Are you fucking kidding me? 0.

~ ONE OF MANY FARTING/CHILI-COOKING SCENES ~

Future Serial Killers of America

The Midnight Meat Train - 2008
Starring: Bradley Cooper, Vinnie Jones

THE PLOT: A New York photographer hunts down a serial killer. Based on Clive Barker's short story "Midnight Meat Train".

IN A WORD: BUTT TOWN

THIS IS NOT A REVIEW: Let me begin by saying that this is not a movie review. I am not qualified to review this movie after the evening I just had, so I won't even bother. I have never been more disgusted IN MY LIFE, and it had *NOTHING* to do with the film.

The theater.... was disgusting. It was, BAR NONE, the most atrocious place I have ever been in my LIFE. And I say this, mind you, having watched a movie in a porno theater in Hollywood. And that place was pretty foul -- it wasn't air conditioned, the guy selling tickets was deformed (he had thousands of skin tumors hanging off every inch of his body like fish scales) the floor was sticky, it smelled like BALLS, and there were people jerking off in the seats, just like you'd imagine. But this place??? The Cinemark Round Rock Discount Movies 8 up past North Austin, aka BUTT TOWN? This tops the Pussycat Theater EASILY. Hands down.


My evening, in a nutshell.
When I was a teenager, I used to think "Why do adults hate us so much?? Why don't they respect us???" Well, teenage Ponyboy, THIS is why. Because you noisy little shits won't stop texting the whole damn movie, blinding me with your newfangled iPhones, sending grammatically incorrect and misspelled messages of horny love to your cocktease girlfriend one seat over. Because you scream at EVERYTHING, leaping out of your goddamn seat because you think it's funny. Because you laugh uproariously through all the sex scenes -- which I might have actually enjoyed if I hadn't been so fucking distracted by the foot that KEPT BUMPING THE BACK OF MY HEAD every two seconds. Because you act like fucking Moneybags McRockefeller, treating your ~ladies~ to a night on the town at the ASSFUCK DOLLAR THEATER, you cheap sonofabitch. GOD. I won't even get STARTED on the woman who brought her three young boys with her -- all, I swear to God, under 8 years old. To an 'R' rated movie. A horror movie. THE GODDAMN MIDNIGHT MEAT TRAIN. I tell ya', if I'd had a meat cleaver, I mighta gone all Vinny Jones on that cow. I mean, COME ON, lady. This movie had ASS SEX in it!!! Watching ass sex movies with MOM???? Future serial killers of America. Jesus.

But back to the theater -- the villain of this story. I don't know how to describe how awful the seats were, or what fabric they were upholstered in, but it was something between a shammy and muppet fur. They felt (and smelled) like they had absorbed every drop of body sweat that had ever touched them, and that was probably A LOT given that it was like 90 fucking degrees in the place. EVERYTHING WAS MOIST. The floors were literally CRUNCHY with dead crickets. I practically broke out in HIVES just setting foot in the place, and all I kept thinking THE ENTIRE MOVIE WAS "Body lice. Body lice. I'm going to get BODY LICE." I was scratching my skin raw the whole time, waiting for the moment when a sewer rat would actually fall from the ceiling and PLOP ONTO MY FACE.

I... I just... I have to go scrub every inch of my skin with a Brillo pad and Comet.

I want to say I enjoyed the movie, but considering it was one of the most uncomfortable and annoying experiences of my life, I think I'd better hold off reviewing it until I can see it on DVD.

~ WATCH THE TRAILER ~

It's all gone to the dogs.

Straight on Till Morning - 1972

Starring: Rita Tushingham, Shane Briant

QUICKIE RECOMMENDATION: This was a quaint little fairy tale about a shy girl and her serial killer boyfriend. It struck me as a cross between George A. Romero's "Martin" and "Valley of the Dolls" only with a film editor who was obviously on mushrooms. The hell you say? Shy Brenda whiles away her life writing fluffy knight-in-shining-armor children's stories to amuse herself. Not to publish or anything. Just for the hell of it. BRENDA DOESN'T HAVE MANY FRIENDS. Stifled and desperate for a man of her own (like, a REAL one), she leaves Liverpool and lands a job at a boutique in London. Brenda moves in with a promiscuous but good-hearted fashionista -- but the hip and trendy mod set quickly tire of putting up with Brenda's shyness and painful insecurities. They endure her and eventually shun her for the crime of being horribly, horribly plain. Desperate for any kind of attention, Brenda dognaps a pup belonging to an attractive loner she spies out for a walk.

Just a couple of dogs.

She hopes that her daring ruse will result in hook-up, even though the stranger is soooo far out of her league it's laughable. But the fates have a sense of humor it seems: so it is that horribly, horribly plain Brenda meets the devestatingly handsome Peter. Unfortunately, he turns out to be a psychopath with a predilection for killing beautiful things. FORTUNATELY Brenda is about as far from beautiful as they come. The deranged boy renames Brenda "Wendy" to fulfill a bizarre Peter Pan fantasy, and they start a hopeful (if strange) relationship. It might have a chance, if it weren't for Peter's murderous secrets. Will their love last forever and ever? Hey! Whatcha doin' with that box cutter, Peter?

But seriously, Peter is too hot for this shit.

ON A SCALE OF 1-10: A twisted romance. 6.

What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this?

What Have You Done to Solange? - 1972
(Cosa Avete Fatto a Solange?)
Starring: Fabio Testi, Karin Baal

THE PLOT: A teacher who is having an affair with one of his students takes her out on a boat. They see a knife killing on shore. Other gruesome murders start occurring shortly thereafter, and the teacher suspects that he may be the cause of them.

IN ONE WORD: SOLANGE!

Bicycling towards DOOM!

MY TAKE: A lusty Dave-Navarro-lookin' gymnastics teacher (at a sexy all-girls private school) is having an affair with one of his students. How torrid! He's married to a beautiful woman who is very cold to him... possibly because he is FUCKING HIS STUDENTS -- but anyway! He takes his little girlfriend out on a boat to fool around. While he's all up in her blouse, the girl thinks she sees someone with a knife on shore. Nobody believes her... but a body is discovered soon after. It is a young girl her same age!! UH OH!! I HOPE IT'S NOT A SIGN OF THINGS TO COME... The girl is killed in the most horrible way imaginable... I mean, I guess I could imagine worse, but KNIFE IN THE VAGINA kind of takes the cake. Yikes.

The murders continue and escalate, and our hero keeps finding himself a suspect. He is not the killer, but obviously he is tied to the killings somehow... As he digs for the truth, he discovers that everything comes back to a mysterious girl named Solange. But what happened to Solange? What did they DO to Solange?! And who is responsible for the brutal murders?!!

Yikes. Just yikes.

This movie is GREAT. It is one of the *best* giallo I have ever seen. It manages to have enough sex and gratuitous nudity to practically be a skin-flick but enough tense plot and really decent acting so it doesn't feel ~sleazy~. And seriously, the girls in this movie are fucking beautiful. They don't make 'em like this anymore. The violence and gore effects are genuinely horrifying. And while it may seem like the killing method has been chosen just to offend the women in the audience -- trust me, it wasn't. As disgusting and disturbing as it is, it makes *VERY MUCH SENSE* when the whole mystery is uncovered.

No, seriously. What have you done to Solange???

I really recommend this one for anyone who wants to see a great example of the giallo genre, or a bunch of really good-looking young Italian babes frolicking in the buff, or an effective grisly murder mystery. I was really, really pleased with this. The end of this movie is shocking and brutal -- I was quite unnerved by it. And impressed! It definitely exceeded my expectations, and I see now why it is on so many people's top ten lists. It's a classic giallo for a reason, folks!

ON A SCALE OF 1-10: Titillating and disturbing. 7!

~ WATCH THE TRAILER! ~

Send in the (Psychotic Sexy Vampire) Clowns!

Vampire Circus - 1972
Starring: Anthony Higgins, John Moulder-Brown, Robin Sachs

QUICKIE REVIEW: Only the BEST HORROR MOVIE YOU'VE NEVER SEEN!!! The movie is almost solely responsible for making me a horror fan, an appreciator of 1970's cinema, and a lover of gratuitous nudity. This film has it ALL. I first saw it when I was five years old, which... really... explains a lot. *lol* It's your typical story about a secluded village quarantined by the plague, which is visited by a traveling carnival... OF VAMPIRES! There is so much sexy in this movie, it's difficult to covey in words. Beautiful gypsy boys that turn into giant cats and deflower the towns' virgins? CHECK! Fraternal twin acrobats who seduce young boys when they're not busy seducing each other??? CHECK! Brutal mistresses, dwarven sidekicks, nubile young teens, swashbuckling swordfights, achingly gorgeous jailbait boys, and, YES, even a shirtless, oiled-up DARTH VADER. Don't believe me? Check it out for yourself! Arguably the finest trashy vampire flick Hammer Horror ever produced, and FOREVER one of my favorite films.

IT'S TRIVIA TIME!: According to various books on Hammer films this film went over schedule and some key scenes were never filmed.

ON A SCALE OF 1-10: Trashy, glorious, wonderful scary fun. 10!

~ WATCH THE TRAILER ~

Age ain't nuthin' but a number.

Trauma - 1993

Starring: Asia Argento, Piper Laurie, Brad Dourif

THE PLOT: A young man tries to help a teenage girl who witnessed the murder of her parents, attempting to find the killer before the killer finds them.

IN A WORD: Haunting.

MY TAKE: The film starts with the audience seeing through the eyes of a killer. A brutal murder is committed, and the killer's identity is never shown. The next thing we see is a beautiful young girl climbing over the railing of a bridge. How are these two things connected? Rest assured, everything comes together in the end... but not in the way you might think! This movie has plenty of surprises in store, saving the most shocking for the last five minutes of the film.

David and Aura try to solve the mystery...

Trauma's hero, David (Christopher Rydell), happens to be driving past as our fragile heroine Aura (Asia Argento) is pulling herself over the bridge's railing. He leaps into action, trying to coax her back over to safety, but she seems determined to kill herself. She is very thin and pale, and she looks dizzy. As he convinces her not to jump and helps her into his truck, he notices that she has needle marks on her arms. David bonds instantly with her, as he is a recovering junkie. He identifies with her, and he wants to help. And when he tries to buy her lunch, it becomes apparent that she is not only running from something horrible, but she is also suffering from an eating disorder.

It is worth noting that Asia's half-sister Anna Argento was an anorexic in real life. Dario Argento based the character of Aura closely on the struggles Anna dealt with, and as such, her character's pain feels very realistic. It is written by someone who knows this problem intimately, and the subject is handled with care. We see Aura as David sees her -- someone in a lot of pain, life out of control, attempting to deal with all this outward turmoil in a way that she can inwardly control. And he wants to help her. Incidentally, Anna Argento has a cameo during the ending credits. Tragically, a short while after filming this movie, Anna was killed in a traffic accident. This knowledge, and knowing how Anna must have suffered with her illness while alive, make the final moments of this film extremely haunting. Asia Argento has the name "ANNA" tattooed on her ribs, and both she and Dario still find it a topic difficult to discuss... There is a melancholy air to the entire film, but also a sense of profound love. The subject of eating disorders is a hard one to deal with and an easy one to sensationalize. But this movie handles it well. It presents everything in a realistic and sensitive way. I was impressed and quite moved by that aspect of the film.

Asia Argento is heartbreakingly convincing as a teenage anorexic.

But back to the story at hand! The pair is separated, and it appears that they may not cross paths again. David returns to his job as a newspaper artist, and Aura returns to her mother and father. Her mother is played by Piper Laurie, Academy Award-nominated actress from Carrie! We're scared of her already!! Something is amiss in the house, but we're not sure what. Aura is locked away in her upstairs room, and guests begin arriving... for a seance?! Aura's mother is a powerful psychic, and the others have come to witness her channeling a spirit from another realm. As a violent storm rages outside, a voice emanates from inside her -- the voice of the victim we saw killed at the beginning of the film! The voice says that there is a killer among them. The weather pounds at the house, and things reach a terrible climax. Aura's mother flees the house, and her father runs after her. Aura sees this all from her window, but doesn't understand what is happening. She climbs outside and chases after her parents.... and discovers a grisly sight. Her parents are dead -- murdered. Decapitated. She sees the killer for an instant through the rain, holding both of their severed heads in front of his face. She blacks out.

One of my favorite on-screen couples.

Aura needs to find out who the killer was. She has nothing left except her desire to solve the murders... and David's wallet. When she calls him, he agrees to meet her. But he is intrigued beyond the prospect of getting his wallet back. There is something about this girl... she needs help. And he can help her. David's life is quickly turned upside-down by Aura -- his girlfriend is suspicious and jealous of this new young girl. His coworkers try to convince him that she is beyond helping. And it soon becomes apparent that she is the key to the string of murders that have been holding the city hostage. The need to uncover the truth, and why death follows Aura everywhere, consumes them both. They cling to each other -- the only certain thing in all this blood and madness is that each of them cares strongly for the other. Meanwhile, the gruesome beheadings continue...

Death stalks the couple through institutions and secret hideaways... Down dark alleys, playing tricks with Aura's memory. Slowly, the mystery unravels. As clues to the truth are uncovered, the killings escalate. Something sinister threatens to tear David and Aura apart. But how is everything connected? What does it have to do with Aura? WHO IS THE KILLER?!!! Just when the story appears to have come to its dreadful, shocking conclusion -- the biggest surprises are yet to come!!!

Age ain't nuthin' but a number.

Asia Argento and Christopher Rydell are amazing in this. The story relies heavily on the bond between their characters, and that bond is palpable. It is a bloody, terrifying, and haunting film. AND BEFORE YOU ASK, yes. There is a nude scene with Asia. "But she's 16!" you say! "But her FATHER DIRECTED THIS!!!" you say!! Compelling arguments, and I believe that I might be weirded out by that fact if the scene weren't important to the story. But when you take into account Aura's disorder, her aversion to her own body, the scene takes on a very important meaning. I was really floored by how convincing Asia Argento's performance was. It's obvious that she has (and has always had) a genuine talent for acting, and that this role, being based on her half-sister, was very important to her. I just *adored* this film. It is a horror movie, but it is so much more. And while it is a departure from the usual Dario Argento films, (less gore, less skin, more emotional drama, Goblin-free soundtrack), it has FIRMLY planted itself on my favorites list. I highly recommend it.

IT'S TRIVIA TIME!: The role of Grace was originally offered to Bridget Fonda.

ON A SCALE OF 1-10: Haunting, twisted romantic thriller! 8!

~ WATCH THE TRAILER ~

You gotta do what? I gotta believe!

The X-Files: I Want to Believe - 2008

Starring: David Duchovny, Gillian Anderson

THE PLOT: Mulder and Scully are called back to duty by the FBI when a former priest claims to be receiving psychic visions pertaining to a kidnapped agent.

IN A WORD: Old-school.

MY TAKE: A lot of people have been disappointed with this movie, and I can kind of understand why. If you're expecting the same old FBI ass-kicking guns-blazing aliens and UFOs Mulder and Scully (and let's be honest -- who ISN'T hoping for all that) you won't find it here. Things have changed dramatically in the six years since we last saw Mulder and Scully, and the characters we have known and loved for so long have coped with this change in different ways.

Everything changes. Even Mulder and Scully.

Mulder has become the woolly, bearded mountain man conspiracy nut hermit we always knew he'd end up being, and Scully is working as a doctor in the most DEPRESSING HOSPITAL ON EARTH. Neither are working for the FBI anymore. Mulder is haunted by his past work with the X-Files, unable to let go of the mysteries he could never solve -- mysteries that are, ultimately, unsolvable. He is jaded that after everything he worked for and did for the FBI, he could be tossed aside and regarded as a joke. Scully is also haunted by the X-Files, but in a different way. Her faith has always been in conflict with her work as an FBI agent, but life after the X-Files has made her question if all those years weren't a complete waste. What good did any of it do? The world hasn't changed. In the end, she's just a doctor. All those miracles and horrors that she and Mulder faced haven't given her the ability to save a terminal patient. They are both extremely disillusioned.

Full of trademark Mulder/Scully bitchfights!

But the one thing they still have is each other. After everything that happened, and even though their outlook on their work and the world is greatly different at the end of it all, Mulder and Scully remain together. And when an FBI missing persons case reaches a dead end, and they are approached as a last resort, one partner must convince the other that regardless of everything, and regardless of how insurmountable their personal struggles may seem, they both still possess the one thing that will enable them to save a life and solve the case -- they want to believe.

This is an emotional X-Files -- a liberating story that FINALLY puts to rest some of the turbulence that has tormented both Mulder and Scully from the very beginning. Mulder and his search for an unknowable truth, Scully and her struggle to understand her faith -- this is the HEART of the X-Files. It isn't, as some casual fans might believe, just aliens and UFOs. These personal quests are the core driving forces behind two of the greatest and most beloved characters in TV and movie history. And while it might disappoint some (many, I'm sure) to not see Mulder and Scully cracking wise, chasing some alien menace, bullets flying -- I was NOT disappointed. There is a sadness that permeates the entire film, but it is an honest thing. The most important chapter of their lives has been closed, and both the characters and the audience must grieve for it in their own way. To have life after the X-Files handled in a no-big-deal on-to-the-next-thing sort of way would have been an insult.

It's quiet. It's bleak. But dammit, it's the motherfucking X-Files.

But don't get me wrong. This isn't just a great character study and loving tribute to Mulder and Scully -- though it is both of those things. The patented X-Files magic is alive and well in this movie, but in a quiet, Silent-Hill-ish atmospheric kind of way. The entire movie is blanketed with a constant falling snow -- icy roads and dark skies. This snow obscures things, hides things, and reveals things when the moment is right. This is a murder mystery... or is it? A missing woman, a psychic with clues to the abduction and a very dark past, Mulder and Scully on the trail... At first, things seem straightforward -- why involve them? But the more is uncovered, the more things wildly spin towards the gruesome and fantastic, and the more we realize that the only way this case will be solved is if Mulder and Scully have the courage to believe.

What can I say? I really loved this movie. David Duchovny looks AMAZING, and YES, LADIES, you get to see him shirtless for a goooood long while. Gillian Anderson only gets better with age, I think, because she has honestly never been more beautiful than she was in this movie. The characters you love are back -- a little worn around the edges and hurting from the long fight, but otherwise they are just as you remember them. Keep your eyes peeled for other familiar faces, because you just might see them! And FOR GOD'S SAKE watch AFTER the credits for that last scene! While this probably won't shoot straight to the top of anyone's BEST MOVIE EVER list, it is the next chapter of the X-Files saga -- a necessary and important chapter -- and I, for one, am extremely grateful to have been a part of it.

Mulder and Scully FOREVER.

IT'S TRIVIA TIME!: When Scully is on her way to her office, Chris Carter is seen sitting on a bench outside.

ON A SCALE OF 1-10: Melancholy, heartfelt swansong for those who want to believe. 7.

~ WATCH THE TRAILER ~

Who can it be now?

The Tenant (Le Locataire) - 1976

Starring: Roman Polanski, Isabelle Adjani

THE PLOT: A quiet and inconspicuous man rents an apartment in France where the previous tenant committed suicide, and begins to suspect his landlord and neighbors are trying to subtly change him into the last tenant so that he too will kill himself.

IN A WORD: Paranoia!

MY TAKE: Roman Polanski's "The Tenant", is not only one of the most disturbing films I've seen in a long time -- it is also one of the most brilliant. Whether or not you approve of the guy's private life, there is little doubt that the man is a directing genius. I have NEVER seen a film portray the spiraling madness of agoraphobia and severe anxiety disorder as accurately and creatively as this film. Listen to me! I'm diagnosed! I know this shit!! If you'd like a little taste of what it's like to be me... well... maybe this movie goes a bit FURTHER and CRAZIER, but it's still pretty damn close. It was almost like images were scooped right out of my brain and put on film.

Oh Trelkovsky, nobody understands you but me.

The plot starts out fairly straightforward. A man moves into an apartment where the previous tenant killed herself (by flinging herself out the window). But haunting details of the woman's presence still remain. Clothing, trinkets... body parts stuffed in the walls?! Well, that part comes later. As Trelkovsky (Roman Polanksi himself) attempts to adapt to life in the strange Parisian apartment complex, his world becomes slowly and increasingly more controlled by those around him. He starts to alter his life to accommodate his neighbors: making no noise, keeping his friends away, becoming a mediator in fights between other tenants... But it seems that no matter what he does, it's not enough. He's too loud. He's been moving furniture at night. His friends are a nuisance. People have been complaining. People have been reporting him. BUT FOR WHAT?! The way Trelkovsky sees it, they are all out to get him. They are all insane! None of it is true!!

And you thought YOUR neighbors were jerks.

As the disturbances become more and more intrusive, Trelkovsky begins to lose his grip on his own sanity. Traces of the dead woman are everywhere. He starts smoking her brand of cigarettes. Her friends become his friends. Her traits become his traits. Her enemies become his enemies. Are the other tenants conspiring against him, the way he believes they conspired against her? Did they make her kill herself? Are they planning the same fate for him?! Are they trying to turn him into her?!

Is Trelkovsky going mad, or is it all real?

The film gets so crazy so subtly that you don't realize how crazy shit has gotten until things are fucking BATSHIT CRAZY. Holes in walls! Wigs! Disguises! Severed heads! Broken teeth! Hieroglyphics! People watching! People listening! Climbing the walls! Mummies! Tombs! MURDER!!! The only person Trelkovsky can rely on is Stella (Isabelle Adjani), a friend of the dead woman... but can he trust her? Can he trust anyone?

...or is she part of the plot against him?

The conclusion to this movie manages to be more shocking than the rest of it put together, and unnerved me on a level I haven't felt since... well, since "Rosemary's Baby". This went IMMEDIATELY on my all-time favorites list, and even horror god Bruce Campbell openly sites this film as his favorite horror movie of all time. What an endorsement! It was brilliant. Creepy, horrifying, darkly hilarious, intriguing -- just a fucking BANQUET of a film. This is one you will be talking about for hours, if not days. Trust me, it'll stick with you. If you're a fan of tense, psychological thrillers, make sure to put "The Tenant" on your list. And then prepare to have it crawl under your skin and stay there for years to come.

IT'S TRIVIA TIME!: As Trelkovsky's madness grows, the furniture and props in his apartment are slowly swapped for ones of exaggerated size and proportion.

ON A SCALE OF 1-10: Psychological horror at its nerve-jangling best. 10.

~ WATCH THE TRAILER ~

Monster on the rocks!

The Evil of Frankenstein - 1964
Starring: Peter Cushing, Katy Wild

PLOT OUTLINE: Penniless, Baron Frankenstein, accompanied by his eager assistant Hans, arrives at his family castle near the town of Karlstaad, vowing to continue his experiments in the creation of life. Fortuitously finding the creature he was previously working on, he brings it back to a semblance of life but requires the services of a mesmerist, Zoltan, to successfully animate it. The greedy and vengeful Zoltan secretly sends the monster into town to steal gold and 'punish' the burgomaster and the chief of police, which acts lead to a violent confrontation between the baron and the townspeople.

IN ONE WORD: Tedious.

MY TAKE: That pretty much sums it up. This is standard monster movie fare -- as standard as it comes!

-- Frankenstein creates monster!
-- Frankenstein is exiled by angry villagers!
-- Frankenstein runs awaaaaay!
-- Frankenstein gets tired of running and returns to said village!
-- Frankenstein creates monster.... AGAIN!
-- Monster goes berzerk!
-- Angry villagers cry "---Really? This again?"

There are a few interesting bits in this flick. For one -- DUH. YES. ONE MORE TIME. Peter Cushing. I'm sorry to constantly sing his praises, but the guy was just a great actor. He acts circles around everyone else in the film, and truly they look lazy by comparison. He makes you BELIEVE in Doctor Frankenstein, dammit!

There are a few scenes where the effects team seemed to go WAY OVERBOARD with the pyrotechnics. In Frankenstein's lab, things are zinging and pinging and giving off sparks so it all looks very "technical". But I mean... holy shit. There were at least three scenes where Peter Cushing almost went up in flames.

But speaking of going up in flames...

There are a few things that are almost unforgivably bad in this feature. FOR ONE THING, the make-up effects on Frankenstein's monster are fucking atrocious. I assume he is supposed to look like he's been stitched together with "it'll do for now" skin patches. Or something. I DON'T KNOW. He's just a big flaky, dusty mess. Frankly, he looks like a MUMMY not a the resurrected corpse of a freshly dead person. The make-up is SO BAD It truly looks as if someone threw wads of oatmeal at the actor's head and then said "ACTION".

Karloff thrashes in his grave, screaming "RIP-OFF!!!"

But in the most laughable effect I have seen in perhaps *ANY* Hammer horror film, they tried to create the illusion of a body frozen in ice. Tried and FAILED. This is so obviously someone strung up with PLASTIC WRAP that it yanks you right out of the movie. THAT IS NOT ICE. Motherfucker I know what plastic wrap looks like -- THAT IS FUCKING PLASTIC WRAP.

Saran Wrap: Keeping Monsters FRESH!

Generally I enjoy it on a deliciously cliche level when a monster goes nuts, wailing "FIRE! BAD!". I mean, come on. That's just funny. But this film relies on the lumbering monster a little TOO much. He's big and gross and poorly put together. We rejoice when he's terrified by the flames, but we also wish he would just hurry up and burn a little faster.

In the final scene we are witness to something even MORE hilarious, when the monster decides to smash every glass bottle in the lab. He looks for all the world like an 80's rock star trying to trash a penthouse suite.

*picks up a bottle!*
*throws the bottle!*
*picks up a bottle!*
*throws the bottle!*
*picks up a bottle!*
*throws the bottle!*
(repeat about 12 times)

You'd think it would stop being funny, but you'd be wrong.

There is a beautiful redheaded girl who stars as a sympathetic mute girl from the village. She has a striking look about her, and I wish they'd spent more time with *HER* character instead of with the town's Burgomaster. She's one of the few saving graces of the film, since she provides a strange companion for the hideous monster.

IT'S TRIVIA TIME!: When first shown on television in 1968, some theatrical scenes were replaced by less intense scenes filmed by another director and with extra actors included.

ON A SCALE OF 1-10: A very standard monster mash. 3.

~ WATCH THE TRAILER ~

You don't fuck with Peter Cushing.

Night Creatures (AKA Captain Clegg) - 1962

Starring: Oliver Reed, Peter Cushing, Yvonne Romain

PLOT OUTLINE: The Crown suspects a bit of smuggling is going on in Dymchurch, and dispatches the Royal Navy to investigate. But the crew discover mysterious reports of "marsh phantoms" -- beings said to ride on skeletal horses through the marshes spreading terror to any who encounter them. The Captain suspects that the local vicar is hiding something as well...

MY TAKE: A fun tale of skullduggery and mistaken identities! You have Peter Cushing as the secretive vicar with a dark past, Oliver Reed as the young and valiant hero, ghost pirates and Yvonne Romain's ENORMOUS RACK. This film is far less "horror" and more "adventure" than other films released under the Hammer Horror title, but it is equally entertaining!

Four stars of the film. HEH HEH HEH... All excellent.

Essentially the whole town is running an illegal smuggling operation. Everyone is in on it! They bootleg liquor in order to boost the local economy and survive under the harsh taxes of the British rule. Most of the film involves the Naval officers trying to catch the townsfolk in the act. But you also have the legend of the hanged pirate lord -- the infamous Captain Clegg! He is buried in the town graveyard and folks say at night his band of ghostly riders take to the marshes to scare travelers to death.

ROTOSCOPE ANIMATION! Oh, how I've missed you.

The third bit of plot revolves around Oliver Reed's character and his romance with the local bar maid. They're in love and plan to run away together -- if it weren't for all of the treacherous underhanded bootlegging! The lovers are caught up in the scheme and in fear of the law as well. YOU MIGHT NOTICE that Oliver Reed and Yvonne Romain were in another Hammer horror film -- "Curse of the Werewolf"! In that one Romain played the mother of Reed's character. But here, he's free to paw at her jubblies.

Dammit, why the fuck am I not in this screencap?

The highlight of this film is surprisingly Peter Cushing! Now, he's really the highlight of *ANY* film he's in, but I just so happen to have the FUCKING MAD HOTS for young Oliver Reed -- so it says something of Cushing's performance that he made me forget for at least a portion of the movie that I wanted to bang the supporting lead. ...Curse the future inventor of the time machine for not having invented it already and being a friend who owes me a solid. I'd gladly fuck up the space time continuum to go back to the 60's and SHAMELESSLY throw myself at Oliver Reed until he caved. AND HE WOULD CAVE. I HAVE WAYS OF MAKING HIM CAVE.

*ANYWAY*... *cough* ...This film is fun and exciting with enough bits of silliness throughout to keep your group of MST3K-loving friends laughing unintentionally. The severe overuse of "timed down" daylight to simulate night is laughable after about the eighth time. Someone shoots a scarecrow. (Yes. A scarecrow.) There's your standard mute/deranged simpleton afraid of FIRE! *flails arms* -- and a foley artist that can remember to include the sound of footsteps, but NOT the sound the machete makes when it's hacking through the bushes.

IT'S TRIVIA TIME!: The second film featuring both Oliver Reed and Yvonne Romain.

ON A SCALE OF 1-10: A fairly exciting adventure! 4.

~ WATCH THE TRAILER ~

A hot dog makes him lose control.

The Other - 1972

Starring: Uta Hagen, Chris Udvarnoky, Martin Udvarnoky

PLOT: A series of horrific "accidents" follow a seemingly angelic young boy and his... LESS than angelic twin brother.

IN ONE WORD: CHILLING.

OUR TAKE: We (Mr. B Natural & Ponyboy) wrote this review together. How ironic! Guess which one of us is the killer!

BEFORE WE BEGIN: Just to clear this up before we begin -- although this is a horror film that involves creepy children, this is *NOT* to be confused with "The Others" (plural!), the movie starring Nicole Kidman. This is "The Other" (singular!) starring... nobody you've ever heard of. Confusing, we know.

The mystery begins with a golden ring...

The movie starts by introducing us to a pair of lovely young boys, identical twins named Niles and Holland. They are cherub-faced, blonde, blue-eyed (unbelievably, disturbingly, illegally) beautiful little darlings. Well, as you will come to quickly realize, Niles is the little darling. Holland is more of a little shit. In the summer of 1935, they run amok around their New England family farm, and seek out mischief wherever they can find it -- in town, in their neighbors' barns, and down at the ole swimmin' hole. Country life is more crowded than we realize, as we meet the twins' extended family members, all of whom live under the same roof. Their invalid mother, aunts and uncles, their older sister (expecting her first baby!), their mystically-inclined Russian grandmother, hired hands, and snotty pig-faced cousins. Life is so sunny, so full of charm, that we forget this is a horror movie and not some beautiful Rockwellian dream.

Every shot in this movie could be a painting.

The film follows Niles, the sweeter of the two, as he spends time with his family. He has a special relationship with his grandmother Ada, which Holland does not. She is from the old country and is a strong believer in old magic. She delights in teaching Niles to play their "special game" -- instructing him in the ways of psychic ability. He is far more talented than she realizes, and is able to see into the souls of animals, predict events, and sometimes see through other people's eyes. He is a gifted and curious child. Though Ada warns Niles to be careful with his gift, his brother Holland encourages him to use it for fun.

As you can no doubt guess, bad shit starts happening. And once it does -- it doesn't stop. Things go wrong right and left, escalating into a series of blood-curdling incidents that make us question just how innocent the brothers really are, and which one is pulling the strings.

What kind of fuckery is this?

We were floored -- FLOORED. This film is fucking amazing. We both agreed, instantly, that this was one of the best horror films we have ever seen. Just so you're aware, between the two of us, we have probably seen 500 horror films in the last couple of years. The caliber of acting in this movie is stellar. We have never seen child acting THIS GOOD in any other movie. ANY. The real-life twin brothers who play Niles and Holland had never acted before or since. It is mind-boggling that two boys with no experience could deliver such a world-class performance. They are as identical in talent as they are in appearance.

*cough*

.......................Aaaaaaand while we're loath to bring this up -- WE'RE SORRY. WE HAVE TO. -- the boys are just hypnotically beautiful.

Hands off, ladies! They're underage!

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaay underage.

They look like two little Michael Pitts, with their pale eyes and happy smiles. And golden hair. And freckles. And little short-shorts, kissin' on each other and swimmin' and stuff. Attractive enough at ten years old -- TEN YEARS OLD! JESUS CHRIST WE'RE MONSTERS! -- to make us both uncomfortable. As mortifying as it is to admit, their nymphette-like boy-beauty *REALLY* enhances the ethereal magic of the film.

Please don't hate us.

*justifies* -- These guys are our DAD'S AGE now!

You may know the director, Robert Mulligan, from one of the greatest films of all-time, "To Kill a Mockingbird". He proved with that timeless masterpiece that children can carry a film with often more emotional gravitas than their adult counterparts. He sets that bar again with "The Other". One is hailed as the undisputed gold standard of it's genre, and we would like to state for the record that THIS MOVIE should be held in the same esteem. It's flawless.

We both loved the fucking fuck out of this movie. We both added it instantly to our Top Five list of favorite films. We both agreed that it is one of the best horror films ever made -- and up until today, we both had no clue it existed. If you consider yourself a horror fan, OR: a lover of thrillers / twisted psychological nail-biters / sexy ten-year-old twins (no... noooooo) -- see this movie by any means necessary.

TRIVIA TIME! Though real-life twins played Niles and Holland, director Mulligan never shows the brothers in frame together. They are always separated by a camera pan, or an editing cut.

ON A SCALE OF 1-10: Dreamlike, bone-chillingly twisted. 10.

~ WATCH THE TRAILER ~

His hair was PERFECT.

The Curse of the Werewolf - 1962
Starring: Oliver Reed, Yvonne Romain

THE PLOT: Leon is born on Christmas day to a mute servant girl who was raped by a deranged beggar. Perhaps this series of inauspicious events are what cursed the child... perhaps something more. But as Leon grows into boyhood, he discovers that he is a werewolf. As a young man, he gains control of his wolfy ways and works in a wine cellar -- where he falls in love with the owner's daughter. ALAS! The full moon is rising, and Leon is losing his grip over the dark side...

IN ONE WORD: Awooooo!!

MY TAKE: This is a FANTASTIC HAMMER FILM! It is also hands-down one of the best werewolf flicks I've ever seen (although, admittedly I've seen alot of crap). "The Curse of the Werewolf" is your typical werewolf story spun into a unique three-act film, and it plays very much like a dark fairy tale. We witness the horrible acts that result in Leon's birth, we see him as a small boy developing his taste for blood, and at last, as a man -- trying to redeem himself for love, and battling the demons within.

Va-va-va-voom, we cry!

Yvonne Romain plays the jailer's innocent daughter. Unfortunately for her, nobody in the movie can keep their grubby rapist paws off of her. There are a few truly brutal moments that have nothing whatsoever to do with werewolves. This movie pulls no punches!!

Our hero (villain?) makes an entrance in the second act. We get to know him as a tender young boy. He is sweet and loveable (and the actor is heartbreakingly adorable). Little Leon cries when he's taken hunting because he doesn't want to see a poor animal in pain. Dammit, we love the little guy. It's not his fault that HE IS FUCKED. Yes, Leon is beginning to show the first signs of being a werewolf. His adoptive parents decide to keep it a secret. Thanks to their efforts, he grows up fine.

BETTER than fine! He's Oliver Fucking Reed!

As a man, Leon has apparently mastered his dark side. He sets forth in the world to make his own way, landing a job at a vineyard. He quickly falls in love with the owner's daughter. They carry on a secret affair, but are madly and passionately in love!

And yet just when things are looking up for Leon... the moon begins to pull again. The old feelings return in the night. He struggles to control them! Fight them! He is in a battle of wills with his own mind! Oliver Reed does an amazing job of playing the "tortured soul". Watching him act is like enduring a force of nature. He is so INTENSE he practically acts the paint off the walls.

Damn this unending desire to kill!

But let me go ahead and put the review on pause to address something else. Holy fucking fuck is Oliver Reed a fox. Aside from having undeniable talent as an actor -- Jesus Christ he is good looking.

Oh, you dirty Oliver Reed, you!

You're all... naked and sweaty!

Okay okay okay. *fans self* ANYWAY! YES! MOVIE! *clears throat* This wouldn't be much of a werewolf film if Leon was able to successfully manage his wolf nature, so it should come as no surprise that things start getting bloody. Yes, our beloved hero makes a few slip-ups, and people begin to die. He doesn't want to do it! He wants to stop! He needs HELP!

The werewolf effects are good and the make-up is excellent! The werewolf never looks cheap, but manages to look... well, pretty damned scary. Especially when he's running at the camera like a maniac.

I would probably crap my pants.

One of Leon's "little accidents".

But how does it end? Does Leon control his evil side? Is Christina's love enough to save him? What end for our beloved (sexy) hero??? Well, you're just going to have to go and buy the DVD to find out. It is WELL WORTH THE MONEY. And how. I would buy this one on it's own as a solo title, so if you can find it, don't hesitate! Otherwise, you can find it on "THE HAMMER HORROR SERIES" boxset, available here! It also includes seven other Hammer movies! THREE of those star Oliver Reed! Score!

IT'S TRIVIA TIME!: This is the only werewolf movie made by Hammer Studios.

ON A SCALE OF 1-10: A wolfy tragedy! 8.

~ WATCH THE TRAILER ~

Sorry about my face.

The Phantom of the Opera - 1962
Starring: Heather Sears, Edward de Souza

THE PLOT: A series of murders terrorize the production of 'Joan of Arc' at a London opera house. Joan of Arc heard the voice of god, but the new star of the opera hears the voice that warns of evil and terrible things that WILL happen while the opera continues performing.

IN ONE WORD: Ménage!

MY TAKE: An interesting and ultimately satisfying interpretation! Drastic changes have been made to the story, which actually make it more fun to watch. As it unfolds it's not clear HOW it will end. *jazzhands*

For me, the real selling point of this film was the relationship between Christine and Harry. "Harry" is effectively in the "Raoul" role -- the romantic lead played here by the dashing Edward de Souza. IN FACT, Harry Hunter seems to be the main character in this version, upstaging Christine and even the Phantom! He's in love with the young singer, but also determined to discover who the Phantom is. He's a bit of an investigator, you see, and he hits the pavement to discover the fate of the man behind the mask.

Dammit, Phantom! Stop harrassin' mah woman!

While the Phantom is pretty standard: creepy and... well... Phantom-y for most of the film, he has an enormous leap in general AWESOMETIVITY in the final scenes. We are treated to a flashback sequence detailing the series of horrific events that drove him mad and disfigured into the sewers. It's really quite moving, and for once gives REAL WEIGHT to him turning into a murderous lunatic. You understand it. Hell, you'd probably be killing people as well.

The music (this is a movie about an OPERA, after all!) is hit and miss. While some songs, most notably the ones sung by Heather Sears are pleasant -- other bits are almost FUNNY. There's extended segments of TALK/SINGING where a character will rattle off lyrics in a monotone (not really singing, just spewing lines of dialogue while HALF singing) and if you're familiar with operas at all, you know what I'm talking about. But some of it goes on a little TOO LONG and you will start to snicker. It's just STUPID.

This is sooooooo awkward.
YES, there is a chandelier scene. No, it's not coming when you think it is.

IT'S TRIVIA TIME!: Apparently Cary Grant was originally slated to star in this film! It's unclear if it was to be the Phantom or Harry Hunter, but either would have suited him well.

ON A SCALE OF 1-10: A decent Phantom flick! 5.

~ WATCH THE TRAILER ~

The Count can't come to the phone right now. He's bushed.

'
The Satanic Rites of Dracula - 1973
Starring: Christopher Lee, Peter Cushing

THE PLOT: In London in the 1970s, Scotland Yard police investigators think they have uncovered a case of vampirism. They call in an expert vampire researcher named Van Helsing (a descendant of the great vampire-hunter himself, no less) to help them put a stop to these hideous crimes. It becomes apparent that the culprit is Count Dracula himself, disguised as a reclusive property developer, but secretly plotting to unleash a fatal virus upon the world.

IN ONE WORD: Shrubbed!

MY TAKE: This is the unofficial sequel to "Dracula AD 1972", and the last of the Hammer Dracula films to include Christopher Lee as the Prince of Darkness. There was only *ONE* more in the series, "The Legend of the Seven Golden Vampires", which was Hammer's attempt at a kung-fu vampire flick, but I digress. This is one GOOFY movie.

A mysterious Chinese woman rules over Satanic cult in an upscale mansion outside of town. Furry-vest-clad hippies and a gathering of old, rich, white men hang out there and perform blood rites all in the name of EEEEEVIL! :D And as we find out quickly, they've managed to resurrect Dracula. Again. For the nine billionth time.


Dracula performing a parlor trick.

Lucky for us, Peter Cushing is on the case. Here he plays Van Helsing -- WHAT A COINCIDENCE! -- a descendant of the original vampire slayer. Together with his colleagues, he uncovers Drac's dastardly plot. *NOT* to go on a vampire killing spree, as we would expect. No no! This time, he's just sick of it all. He has tricked his minions into developing a new strain of the Black Plague. He just wants to kill everyone so he doesn't have to put up with their bullshit anymore.

There are some sexy scenes worth watching: a horde of vampire brides are chained to the walls of the basement where they claw at anyone unlucky enough to stumble into their midst. Why are they CHAINED? Who knows. *shrug* But babes in chains is a winning combination. There's an extended sacrifice scene through the beginning of the film. You actually see boobs within 12 seconds of the credits, so there's that. *thumbs up*

But on the other hand, some of it is so bad it's laughable. The film cuts to weirdly edited slow-motion shots a few times. But not... like... decent slow-motion. It's choppy as if the film-speed was not adjusted. It herks-and-jerks from frame to frame and looks a bit like a bad 80's music video. Also there were at least three scenes where HARD CUTS were right in the middle of a shot -- so the characters would lurch forward unexpectedly. It was comedic.

Dracula Vs. thorn bush! Yeah, you heard me.

This is a pretty (Dare I say it? Dare I blaspheme?) silly Hammer film, but worth the price of a rental if you're a Peter Cushing fan. He kicks ass in this flick just like in *EVERY* Hammer flick he was in. The guy is simply a great actor, so no matter how silly the circumstances, he's damned entertaining! Did I mention there is Shaft-like WACKA-CHICKA music through most of the movie?

They have this title for sale on it's own for about $15, BUUUUT if you can find a store that sells the cheap-ass CATCOM double feature DVDS, I got this one *BRAND NEW* paired up with Dario Argento's "Deep Red Hatchet Murders" for the whopping price of $3.00.

IT'S TRIVIA TIME: Stephanie Beacham was intended to reprise her role as Jessica from "Dracula A.D. 1972" but was unavailable

ON A SCALE OF 1-10: Ridiculous Dracula, but still Dracula! 3.

~ WATCH THE TRAILER ~

Yay sleep! That's where I'm a viking!

Nightmare - 1964
Starring: Jennie Linden, David Knight

THE PLOT: Janet is a fragile young student who's nights are plagued by horrible dreams. She wakes up screaming and thrashing every night. Eventually expelled from school for her disruptive behavior, she returns to her family estate. But when the dreams continue to worsen, what is to blame? Is she truly going mad like her mother before her? Or is a more sinister, supernatural hand at play?

IN ONE WORD: Insomnia.

MY TAKE: This is a solid little thriller with some decent scares and some superb acting performances. In particular is the lead actress Jennie Linden who plays the troubled "Janet". She has the amazing ability to freak out convincingly, and you have to applaud method acting. I seriously believe that she induced herself into a panic attack no less than five times!

Le Freak! C'est Chic! FREAK OUT!

Every night, the dream's the same. A noise wakes her in the night, luring her from her room into a dark house... where she happens upon a grisly scene! A brutal stabbing! Blood! A knife! Nooooo!!!!! She screams and screams until she screams herself awake.

The dream stems from a childhood trauma, something dark and tragic. You see, when Janet was a girl, her mother went mad -- butchering her father. Ever since then she's been terrorized by these dreams at night, and haunted during the waking hours that one day she will *too* go mad. Go mad, mad, mad and do something horrible.

Mysterious murders AND mysterious puppets!

But the dream changes, and a mysterious woman in white suddenly appears -- what does it mean? How can you dream about a person you've never seen? Who is this woman and why is she haunting Janet? Or... is she? It's a mystery...

When Janet's beloved family friend, and trusted adviser Mr. Henry Baxter (a very apt David Knight in one of his final film roles) arrives at the estate, will he be able to help her? What are his intentions toward the poor beleaguered girl? Or will his commanding presence bring things to a sudden and volatile boiling point? YOU HAVE TO WATCH TO FIND OUT!

Nothing settles a girl down like being roughly manhandled.

This was a fun movie. Admittedly, you will probably get more enjoyment out of this film if you're a fan of 1960's-style thrillers, rather than straight-up horror films. While it has enough scares, most of it is psychological.

This film can be found on The Hammer Horror Series boxset! It also includes seven other Hammer movies. The entire set is *WELL* worth the money! Definitely one to add to the collection!

IT'S TRIVIA TIME!: The BFI has the only 35mm print in the UK.

ON A SCALE OF 1-10: Creepy thriller. 5.

~ WATCH THE TRAILER ~

Paranoia! Paranoia! Everybody's comin to get me!

Paranoiac! - 1963
Starring: Oliver Reed, Janette Scott, Alexander Davion

THE PLOT: Simon Ashby is a wealthy psychotic, living in a palatial mansion with his younger sister. She is a delicate girl driven nearly mad with grief over the loss of their parents in a plane crash, and the mysterious apparent suicide of an older brother eight years ago. But all may not be as it seems! When a man resembling Tony-- the long lost sibling --returns, a battle of wills ensues. Is Tony who he claims to be? What is the bizarre nature of his feelings towards his sister? To what lengths will Simon resort to make sure he's the sole heir to the family fortune? And what is that mysterious music that plays during the night...

IN ONE WORD: Diabolical!

MY TAKE: A terrific psychological thriller from the Hammer Horror studio! While it delivers the scares and has a few scenes of genuine terror (that you should no doubt expect from a Hammer film), it also works as a disturbingly taut drama. Every character has a secret agenda, and the sexual tension is alarmingly high. Oliver Reed is phenomenal as the sociopathic/psychotic younger brother Simon.

He plays him with an air of barely contained rage, something boiling just under the surface. He's clearly an alocholic, and flies into fits of violent fury when the booze runs dry. And while he is all fire one moment, in the next he can turn it to ice. Calm. Calculating. It's truly chilling to watch, and I'd say one of the finer pieces of *ACTING* in all of the Hammer films I have seen.

Sexy Simon...

Psychotic Simon!

In fact, the whole cast is remarkable. Janette Scott as the sister Eleanor is as complicated as she is beautiful. Her performance is a memorable one. She's a sensitive girl who has been driven mad by Simon and his callous, domineering ways. Perhaps he did it out of boredom? Perhaps for reasons more sinister...?

Her last shred of sanity seems to lie in her unshakeable faith that one day her older brother Tony will return to her. She knows he supposedly committed suicide, but she doesn't believe it in her heart. Her nurse, her aunt and Simon remind her at every opportunity that HE IS DEAD. YOU ARE CRAZY. TONY IS DEAD DEAD DEAD. Yet Eleanor keeps hoping, and her caretakers keep drugging her...

Why are the pretty ones always insane?

But the unthinkable happens and a man shows up claiming to be Tony -- can it really be? Eleanor is blind to all clues to the contrary, so consumed with joy. But Simon is skeptical to say the least. What a stroke of luck for the prodigal son to return -- back from the dead! -- just as the estate and all of the Ashby fortune is to pass to Simon? Simon who is now no longer the eldest male heir? Simon who has an expensive drinking habit and no way to support it, save for money and lots of it?

And yet he looks so very much like Tony. It's uncanny! This mysterious man knows things too... intimate details about Tony's life. Things that no one else could know. There's no reason for any of them to believe he isn't truly their brother, delivered again. But Simon has plans of his own. Devious plans long since set into motion. Whether this stranger is who he claims to be or not, nothing is going to stop Simon from getting what he wants. By any means necessary.

Dastardly, pointy means!

But that's just the beginning! There is a whole level of complexity that develops as this twisted tale unfolds. Why has Tony suddenly returned? Where has he been these last eight years? And why does he act so strangely around his beloved sister? WHAT IS GOING ON HERE? There are darker forces at play...

Amidst all of these sordid details is a strange nightly ocurrance -- bizarre organ music playing from the rectory behind the house... and a lone voice, a boy's voice, that sings out in haunting harmony. Who are the mysterious masked figures who lurk in the shadows night after night, playing the same ghastly tune? Are they phantoms or are they real? And why does the small one brandish a frightening hook in it's hand?

WELL, *I'M* NOT GOING TO TELL YOU!
You'll have to rent it for yourself to find out!

This feature is filmed beautifully in black and white. It's filled with high contrast shots, lush in light and shadow. I'd go as far as to say it's *artistic* with it's shots and camera angles -- each scene visually intriguing. The framing, the blocking, it's stunning to look at. The DVD transfer is as good as you're going to find. It looks clean and clear.

Also... you know... sexy as HALE.

This can be found on The Hammer Horror Series (available there for $19.57) which includes seven other Hammer movies. If you buy the set only for THIS MOVIE ALONE, it is well worth the money. "Paranoiac" is a frightening, alluring tale of damage and dementia. Don't miss it!!

IT'S TRIVIA TIME!: Oliver Reed never forgot his Hammer roots. After hitting the big time, he went back to pay homage to his horror beginnings to narrate the full Hammer retrospective, a reminder that his voice was the one quality the English critics admired about him.

ON A SCALE OF 1-10: Psychotic erotic! A solid 10!

I've been drinking...
~ AND NOW I'M GOING TO DRINK SOME MORE! ~

You know what's scarier than nothing? ...ANYTHING.

Howling: New Moon Rising - 1995
Starring: Clive Turner

THE PLOT: A number of vicious murders occur in a small California town after a motorcycle-riding stranger arrives. The gruesome slayings look disturbingly like the work of a werewolf. Meanwhile, in another nearby town, police are hot on the trail of a killer they believe is a werewolf. This is "Howling" with a country-western angle. (This plot description is mostly LIES, btw.)

IN ONE WORD: SHIT.

MY TAKE: This is the worst movie ever made. Not "one of". No. Nooo. No no no. This is "THE WORST". The absolute worst. This is so far beyond bad that it has created a whole new category of terrible. It is the lamest movie ever created.

THE WORST MOVIE
IN THE HISTORY OF TIME.
1. THERE IS NO WEREWOLF.
2. There is only hillbillies drinking and line dancing.
3. They hired locals from the town instead of actors.
4. THERE IS NO FUCKING WEREWOLF!
5. Written, directed by and *STARRING* Clive Turner.

I can't even form the words to BEGIN describing this atrocity. I can't do it justice. AND I KNOW you're sitting there thinking "Bullshit, I've seen worse." and I can honestly say NO. No you HAVEN'T. Because you haven't seen THIS. Otherwise you'd be agreeing with me.

There is no acting. Just people reading off of cue cards. A third of the movie consists of clips from the previous Howling films to try and explain how they got the whole werewolf plot into the Southwest anyway -- WHICH TAKES TWO HOURS OF EXPLAINING AND *STILL* MAKES NO SENSE. In fact, the clips from the previous movies only make it look WORSE, because while it's alarmingly confusing, it also has terrible production value, not one single attractive person in the cast (these people are offensive in every sense of the word), NO! FUCKING! WEREWOLF! and yet manages to drag the movie out for nearly two hours.

As good as it gets, ladies.
THE WHOLE FUCKING MOVIE:
-- A man shows up at a bar.
-- Some country/western songs are sung and people line dance.
-- Everybody drinks, drinks some more, and tells puns.
-- The man sweeps alot.
-- Someone makes chili that makes everyone fart.
-- MORE songs are sung.
-- MORE fucking line dancing.
-- Six references to the singer George Jones.
-- Suddenly there's a werewolf they never showed!
-- THE END?

They sum up the werewolf angle in the last seven minutes (I kid you not), in which they try to cram six movies' worth of exposition into something resembling a cohesive plot -- WHICH DOESN'T WORK -- so the werewolf THAT WE NEVER SAW was there ALL ALONG, and it had MIND CONTROL POWERS which it NEVER USED, and apparently killed people OFF CAMERA! And by the way, it doesn't look like a WOLF so it could be anyone. But it's NOT ANYONE -- it's THAT GIRL, RIGHT THERE.

And then it is time for the Pièce de résistance! They blow their budget on *ONE* excrutiatingly awful, sloooooow-mo shot of the girl morphing into a fake-looking Halloween-style wolf mask. It runs at the camera, and we hear gunshots -- mind you, we do not SEE ANYTHING get shot. No, we only *HEAR* THEM -- and then the credits roll. This movie was too cheap for SQUIBS!!! (and I KNOW you won't believe me but it's TRUE), even MORE country singing and line-dancing!!! *gasp*

And here it is, so you don't have to rent it.
YES THAT CHEESY FADE-EFFECT IS IN THE MOVIE.

There are *THREE* scenes where an old woman plays the spoons, and only ONE with a fucking werewolf. And not even a whole werewolf. A plastic mask. God I wanted to BURN SOMETHING TO THE GROUND when I finished watching it. (Read Ponyboy's review of this movie!)

IT'S TRIVIA TIME!: In addition to being responsible for writing, directing and starring in this sad excuse for a movie, Clive Turner also produced the film and edited it himself!

ON A SCALE OF 1-10: FUCK THIS MOVIE SO HARD. 0.

~ WHO WANTS TO HEAR PAPPY SING? ~

Shark alarm! SHARK ALARM!

Hai-Alarm auf Mallorca - 2004
Starring: Ralf Moeller, Gregor Bloeb

THE PLOT: A German man goes apeshit all over some non-specific Mediterranean island when the GIGANTIC shark who killed his wife reappears. Just in time for the big jet ski race!

IN ONE WORD: NO!

MY TAKE: This is one of the worst -- THE WORST!!!!!! -- and most unintentionally hilarious movies I have ever seen. "Shark Attack in the Mediterranean" (AKA "Hai-Alarm auf Mallorca") is actually a German film hastily dubbed into English with such lack of finesse it's comedic. No no, you don't fully comprehend. This makes Sunday afternoon kung-fu theater look like SHAKESPEARE.

I think it's a clue!

They decided to try and one-up "Jaws" by making THEIR shark a mere 100 meters long. It's the biggest fucking thing on the planet. And yet when poor beleaguered Sven finds a tooth the size of a dinner plate on the same beach where a mangled corpse washes up -- everyone thinks he's crazy. AH, BUT SVEN KNOWS. He knows the shark is out for personal revenge! It's the same monster that devoured his wife years ago, and now it's back to eat the rest of the family!!! OF COURSE!

There is an extraordinary number of CAR CHASES in this movie. They have a mini-car chase scene (in what looks like Prague) through corridors and alleys, smashing things to hell and putting cops lives in danger -- in all actuality probably killing alot of people... and it's really unclear WHY. But Sven has to get places and get there FAST! Because SHARKS! SHAAAARKSSSSS!!!!!!!

Sharks AND explosions! SHARKSPLOSIONS!

The absolute best scene in the movie is where Sven freaks out and tries to raise the "shark alarm". He crashes his Jeep onto the crowded beach, then runs screaming and flailing down the beach yelling "SHARK ALARM! SHARK ALARM! SHARK ALARM!" but it doesn't stop. He says it about 10 more times, all in the same monotonous and unemotional re-dubbed voice (as if he just yelled it *once* and then it was looped). "SHARK ALARM! SHARK ALARM! SHARK ALARM!" it started to get very funny about the 15th time he yelled it. By the 30th?? I was crying with laughter. Crying so hard I could barely breathe. "SHARK ALARM! SHARK ALARM! SHARK ALARM!" My husband wasn't even watching the movie and he started LAUGHING HIS ASS OFF across the room just hearing this guy going on for two whole minutes screaming "SHARK ALARM!". I must get it onto YouTube somehow. I was THIS close to peeing myself. I almost didn't make it.

Anyway, the rest of the film is laughably bad. Oh soooo bad. And it ends with a total "Jaws" rip off. Not to ruin it, but gun? Tank in mouth? KABOOOOM?? All Sven didn't do was say "Smile, you son of a bitch". Though he cringed as he fired the rifle -- probably because he was robbed of a decent kill-shot line of dialogue. CURSES!

WORTH A RENTAL TO SEE the beach concert where the teeny bopper sings her big hit -- a song consisting of these lyrics over and over "We're gonna do the 69! HEY HEY HEY! 69!!!" Those lyrics and... nothing else!

Hey hey heeeeey! SIXTY NINE!

ALSO WORTH A RENTAL TO SEE the ridiculous scene where a shark tour boat refuses to pull up the cage with German tourists in it to relocate. Instead it just speeds along to the new destination with the Germans stuck in the fucking SHARK CAGE dragging along the bottom like... well... like BAIT actually. The boat captain's reasoning was that if he pulled up the cage to move it, they would "lose interest". I guess killing them is better!

A fucking laugh RIOT. OMG. I have not laughed that hard in a year. I was laughing SO LOUD I couldn't breathe. Just gasping, breathless, painful laughter. It was excellent. (Read Ponyboy's review of this movie!)

IT'S TRIVIA TIME!: Although the script asked for male sharks, the ones modeled are female (note underside dorsal fins).

ON A SCALE OF 1-10: Oh so terrible, yet in a fun way. 2.

EDIT: HOLY SHIT, HERE'S THE CLIP


EDIT2: OMG HERE'S THE RINGTONE
(Thank you, Jenn! You rock!)

We're Not Heavy, I'm My Brother

Dr. Jekyll and Sister Hyde - 1971
Starring: Ralph Bates, Martine Beswick

THE PLOT: While attempting to find a toxin that will wipe out all common diseases, Dr. Jekyll accidentally stumbles upon a formula that transforms him into a gorgeous but evil woman.

IN ONE WORD: Re-dick-ulous.

MY TAKE: This was a thoroughly entertaining Hammer film, but ultimately SILLY SILLY SILLY. For starters, the writers of this film decided that they should (for some reason, don't ask me why) combine Dr. Jekyll and Jack the Ripper into one character. O___o ??? Allow me to elaborate.

You see, the good doctor's grand experiment to find a "cure-all" toxin that will eradicate all known diseases requires him to use female hormones. He scavenges these from the morgue by paying off a mortuary attendant -- WHO, by the way, makes it very plain that he fucks the dead bodies. So.... ew. Alas! While the concoction Jekyll is developing *DOES* seem to lengthen the lifespan of the flies he tests it on, it also transforms them all into females. Being a stupid man, he drinks the potion himself. You know, just to see what would happen.

And he turns into a woman! A sexy woman! And he does the following things, in this exact order:

1. He plays with his breasts.
2. He goes SHOPPING for dresses.
3. He makes out with a couple of men.

Nobody said it was very progressive.

Remember, this was the 70's. It took me a while to really understand that Doctor Jekyll and Sister Hyde were supposed to have two entirely different personalities, brains and all. It's not as if when he is Hyde, that he still feels like Jekyll. But they sort of backtrack on that line of thinking when in one scene, the Doctor runs into an attractive male neighbor, and behaves as if he is Hyde, stroking the man's cheek lovingly and whispering his name -- before remembering himself and scampering off. Are we to believe that Jekyll is dealing with some sort of repressed homosexuality? Did the potion unleash it or create it? Either way, Hyde is a horny bitch and has no shame. She seduces her neighbor for the seeming hell of it, and then Jekyll's older colleague. WEEEEIRD.

But back to the Jack the Ripper thing. Eventually the morgue runs out of bodies, so Jekyll is forced (really? I don't think he is) to murder prostitutes in order to carve them up and use their hormones for further experiments. They begin to whisper about him as the Whitechapel murderer. He stalks the alleys in a tall hat and dark cloak, with his physicians bag of tricks.

If you think this will end with angry villagers chasing the Doctor into the rafters of a building before his tragic and comical demise, you might be onto something.

IT'S TRIVIA TIME!: Husband and wife Ralph Bates and Virginia Wetherell first met as they prepared to shoot the scene in which Bates as Dr. Jekyll kills the prostitute played by Wetherell.

ON A SCALE OF 1-10: Stupid yet kinda hot. 4.

~ WATCH THE TRAILER ~

Catholic Schoolboys in Trouble!

Like Minds (aka Murderous Intent) - 2006
Starring: Eddie Redmayne, Toni Collette, Tom Sturridge

THE PLOT: A forensic psychologist is appointed by the police to determine whether there's enough evidence to lay murder charges against 17 year old Alex, who has been accused in the shotgun death of his school mate, Nigel. With no tangible evidence, she must delve deep into Alex and Nigel's bizarre psychological symbiotic pact to determine the truth.

IN ONE WORD: Sacrelicious!

MY TAKE: My friends, I consider myself to be a disturbed and slightly sick individual who appreciates films of the highest caliber. And I must state on the record, that *AS* a disturbed and slightly sick individual who appreciates films of the highest caliber -- I have found my Holy Grail. It is this movie.

It's hard for me to find the appropriate words. While this is a film about killers, serial killers, the nature of obsession and PRETTY PRETTY ENGLISH BOYS, I think that I have to just boil it down to: this is the very *BEST* example of a modern Gothic thriller that I've seen. Perhaps ever. It is twisted. It is depraved. And at the same time it is artistic and graceful.

I'd say Alex is sorta fucked.

Alex is being held by the police in the apparent shotgun death of a schoolmate. He was found with the body and the weapon -- and yet the evidence is circumstantial. They cannot prove with certainty *WHO* pulled the trigger, and they need for Alex to confess. Enter forensic psychiatrist Sally Rowe (a stunning Toni Collette). By talking with Alex, she hopes to uncover the nature of his relationship with Nigel and where the blame lies for the murder.

Eddie Redmayne as Alex is simply perfect. He's rich, he's entitled, and he's a borderline sociopath. Detached, mysterious, Alex is quietly both complex and frightening. Did he kill Nigel in cold blood? It's easy to believe that he *could* have done it, but why? The secrets that lie behind this simple act of apparent murder are anything but simple. The story unfolds for us where it all began, the day that Alex met Nigel.

Homosexual undertones? CHECK!

Nigel is a beautiful monster. In every way he seems to mirror his new schoolmate. He is attractive like Alex, intelligent like Alex, preoccupied by History and Religion like Alex. He is soft-spoken, studious. But behind his lovely face and academics lies something far colder. Something deadly, plotting, serenely deranged. He is a fully-functioning psychopath, a fact that becomes clear quite early on.

The boys are acutely aware of one another, alternately intrigued and threatened. But after a single act of sudden violence -- a horrific accident -- they are connected, like it or not. Their destinies are joined, their fates sealed. Things begin to spiral out of control. They are Leopold and Loeb, brothers in tragedy. Forever together, forever connected. How can a relationship so toxic become so addictive?

Homosexual OVERtones? CHECK! CHECK!

The film weaves a tale of obsession, suspense and madness that is elegant. It is a horror-filled, bloody affair -- one in which we know all along WHO survives, but not WHY. In the end, we are left with something so much grander and more earth-shattering than what we could have envisioned. It's a total mindfuck.

If you're a fan of thrillers, see this. If you're a fan of horror? The serial killer genre? See this. See this for the brilliant acting. See this so you know who Eddie Redmayne and Tom Sturridge are when they *~*~BLOW UP~*~* and take over the Hollywood film industry. See this because it's stunning and disturbing and completely wonderful. Lastly, see this:

...Because I am telling you to!

IT'S TRIVIA TIME!: This was the first Australian/UK co-production to be set in the UK in over a decade.

ON A SCALE OF 1-10: Sinister and weirdly sexy. 8!

~ WATCH THE TRAILER ~



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