I Want to Phuck You Like an Animal

"Phantom of the Opera" (1998)

STARRING: Asia Argento, Julian Sands

PLOT: A troubled madman stalks the shadows of the Paris Opera House and falls in love with a young singer.

IN A WORD: Phan-tastic!

~ Back by popular demand, a Twins of Evil joint-review! ~

OUR TAKE: A classic tale of romance and horror, as told by a visionary Italian legend, starring his voluptuous daughter and the motherfucking Warlock. What more could you want? However, it seems that this flick has been universally despised for the last decade, tossed aside like the lowest form of cinema garbage. Watching this movie for the first time, we couldn't figure out why... and then it struck us: it's those cranky Phantom fans! If you come to this movie expecting the beloved musical version (or anything resembling the original novel) prepare to be butthurt. This is Dario Argento, and he doesn't care about your phucking Phantom. If seeing a pair of titties leaves you aghast and appalled, wringing your opera gloves -- go see the stage production. You're fucking it all up for the rest of us.

Trust us. You'll see A LOT more than titties in this movie.

Let's get this out of the way: In Argento-land, our beloved Phantom is NOT disfigured, does NOT wear a mask, and does NOT teach Christine to sing. Argento's Phantom is obscenely good-looking, has a penchant for leather pants, and has ~PSYCHOSEXUAL TELEKINESIS~. (Pretty cool, right?) Instead of romantic whispering through mirrors, our Phantom flat-out mind-rapes anyone he damn well pleases. A strong as ten men, cut like a Chippendales' dancer -- and though he does not sing -- he can also, apparently, fly. Argento's Christine is never confused about who or what the Phantom is. In the musical, she is deceived, believing him (in her naivete) to be a benevolent angel of music. In this version, Christine understands that Phantom 2.0 is a dangerous killer, and apparently this is what gets her off. The fact that he regularly -- and spectacularly! -- dispatches opera patrons and maintenance staff doesn't really factor into play much. No, she's pretty much ready to fuck him the moment she claps eyes on him.

...just like the rest of us!

She's a young girl with a head full of romantic ideas, and he's Julian Sands, professional panty-melter. The Phantom, bewitched by Christine's voice (and revealing wardrobe) uses his dastardly, underhanded ways to position her as the star of the opera. While he weaves his spell of lust and control over Christine, another man vies for her heart. Those of you who have always found the Raoul character to be a painfully unnecessary cockblocker might be surprised to discover Agento's rewrite casts him as a sympathetic opium addict.

Say wahhhh?

Whatever will become of the fragile songstress, torn between two (seriously damaged) loves? And more importantly, does the Phantom phinally get laid?!

~~~~

PONYBOY: So, how creepy is it that Asia Argento's DAD filmed this?

MRBNATURAL: What? Like there's anything weird about watching a stranger lovingly assfuck your daughter?

PONYBOY: Yeah, they have a fun relationship.

As in dis-fun-ctional.

MRBNATURAL: The sexy shit that goes on in this flick makes the topless scene in Trauma seem cute by comparison.

PONYBOY: How did you like the Terry-Gilliam-inspired subplot with the filthy French exterminator, his gleeful dwarven cohort, and the rocket-powered rat vacuum rollercoaster ride through the subterranean catacombs?

MRBNATURAL: I'd say it really classed-up the picture. Now settle a bet for me, was the Phantom raised by a swarm of rodents in the original? I can't remember.

PONYBOY: I don't recall him being the Rat King of Chicago in Gaston LeRoux's version. The rat masturbation scene was definitely Argento.

MRBNATURAL: Props to Julian Sands, because he SOLD that scene.

Oh, if only we were joking.

PONYBOY: The big reveal in this version isn't the lifting of the mask, it's catching her man with a rat down his pants. That's pretty much a deal-breaker right there.

MRBNATURAL: Yeah, suddenly Raoul's not lookin' so bad... He was kind of a third wheel until he suddenly popped up half-naked in an opium den and I started rooting for him. You know. To get more naked.

PONYBOY: I was too busy looking at the full-frontal fat ladies and old man wang. I couldn't tell you what else happened in that scene.

MRBNATURAL: Oh, Italy!

PONYBOY: This whole picture is a love-letter to Europe.

MRBNATURAL: Come to France! Get crushed by a chandelier!

PONYBOY: You want creeping pedophiles? We got those too! And I have to say, the Phantom delivered some amazing kills in this film. Stalagmite impalings! Throats being ripped out with his bare teeth! It was a joy to watch him work.

MRBNATURAL: Yeah, I enjoyed watching him work on Asia Argento.

Who wouldn't?

PONYBOY: DUDE! I thought we'd get ONE scene like that! There were SEVERAL!

MRBNATURAL: As long as you're straying from the source material, might as well squeeze some buttsex in there too. She was into it... eventually.

PONYBOY: Yeah, it's not something you can just spring on a girl. Like a rat in your pants. You gotta romance it a little.

MRBNATURAL: The one thing I took away from this movie is that I need to see more flicks starring Julian Sands. And I don't care how terrible.

PONYBOY: God damn it.

MRBNATURAL: What?

PONYBOY: I think I'm a Phantom phan.

Nooooooooooooo!

~~~~

This flick is a thoroughly entertaining and delightfully naughty re-imagining. It may break a few Phangirl hearts to hear that we enjoyed Dario Argento's take on this classic tale more than any previous incarnation. While it's clearly not for everyone, those of you who enjoy Italian horror will feel right at home.

ON A SCALE OF 1-10: This ain't your pappy's Phantom! 8.

~ WATCH THE TRAILER ~

Put your hand inside the puppet head.

"Carnosaur 2" (1993)
STARRING: John Savage, Ryan Thomas Johnson

PLOT: When the government stashes a nest of dinosaurs eggs in a remote nuclear dump site in the desert, they predictably hatch! Mayhem ensues.

IN A WORD: Veloci-CRAP-tors!

MY TAKE: Can a helicopter outrun a nuclear explosion? Will dinosaurs slap their prey to death Three Stooges-style, if given the option? Is there something kind of weird going on between the hero and that teenage boy? And just how many movies can you shamelessly rip off in 83 minutes? All these questions and more will be answered upon viewing the hilariously awful Carnosaur 2. Released direct-to-video on the heels of Jurassic Park's blockbuster success, this cheesy puppet-laden flick attempts to ride those coattails any way it can. Unfortunately for all involved, Carnosaur 2 is writing some big-ass checks it has no intention (or ability) of cashing. "This is what Jurassic Park SHOULD have been!" screams Chris Gore of Film Threat Magazine, the brazen lie slapped boldly right on the front of the freakin' DVD case. "A sci-fi action-adventure thriller at its best!" says Dr. Donald Reed of the Academy of Science Fiction, Fantasy, & Horror, begging the question what fly-by-night organization elevated such a retard to the level of DOCTOR and what fucking movie was HE watching? Yes, Carnosaur 2 claims it's "Back for another bite!", and that's one thing I wholeheartedly agree with.

Trust me; this movie BITES.

There's an underground mining facility, some snafu happens, everyone mysteriously dies, and it's up to a rag-tag team of badasses to explore the tunnels and find out what the dealio. Kind of exactly like Aliens, except that everyone in this movie is awful and none of them in any way kicks any sort of ass. There's a teenage computer hacker, a Joe Piscopo impersonator, a couple of broads, a wise-crackin' black dude, some whiny guy who looks like Mr. Belding from Saved by the Bell, and our plucky hero Reed, who has what appears to be an unhealthy attachment to the aforementioned teenage boy... Very quickly it becomes apparent that not only is the whole place primed to blow sky high from a nuclear explosion, but it is also overrun with dinosaurs.

...That is to say "puppets". Despite what the pictures on the DVD case might lead you to believe, there are no sexy ladies in skimpy red polka dot dresses getting naked or killed by dinosaurs. There are PUPPETS, and lots of them. But don't get me wrong. Though this movie is floppy rubber puppet-fucking-central -- you never see more than two or three of them in the same shot at any given time. In fact, aside from a few ludicrous seconds of footage, you never see any of the ACTORS in the same shot as the puppets. What you get instead is a pair of clowny-ass rubber dinosaur gloves, which leap into frame and scrabble at the actors as they scream and scream (as though they are looking at a dinosaur). I was laughing to the point of near hysteria watching the fearless heroes get slapped, swatted at, throttled, and tossed around by those green rubber monster paws. I never knew velociraptors knew how to pick up oil drums and THROW them ~ala~ Donkey Kong, but it just kept happening. Smacking people across their faces, flinging them over tables -- I kept half-expecting the dinosaurs to honk the humans' noses and poke 'em in the eyes. It was just that silly.

A wise guy, eh? Nyoink! *slappa slappa slappa*

There isn't much gore to speak of. Almost all the killing takes place off-camera, and what little they show is just plain dumb. There's a lengthy battle between T-Rex (puppet) and a forklift, which goes on for about three and a half hours, all of which I spent watching the puppet slip and teeter weightlessly on its inanimate rubber dino-feet. There are a few shots where the dinosaurs are CLEARLY humans in full costume. Actually, the most entertaining aspect of the entire film was the weirdness between the main hero Reed and the young teenage hacker Jesse. In nearly every scene they share, Reed is skulking up behind Jesse, leaning in close to him, touching his face, and generally just acting waaay too familiar with him. I lost count of how many times Reed watched Jesse silently, or hollered for everyone to help Jesse, or where's Jesse, is Jesse okay, Jesse, Jesse, Jesse... He was about a hair away from brushing up against Jesse and smelling him in every single scene. Trust me, it's a little too in-your-face to be purely by accident. I was actually concerned for Jesse's safety throughout the entire film, and it had nothing to do with the dinosaurs.

Run, Jesse! D:

This movie is just plain bad. But bad in a way that a few beers and some friends might turn into a really good time. There's plenty to laugh at. In fact, the laughs never stop coming! It's pretty much wall-to-wall dreck -- unrelenting, yet thoroughly entertaining at the same time. Carnosaur 2 takes itself deadly serious, which only adds to the hilarity. Whether intentional or not, this ended up being one of the best comedies I've seen in a long time, and if it's been a while since you watched Jurassic Park, this will no doubt grant you a deeper appreciation for that film. Carnosaur 2 is terrible, but it's so damn good at being terrible, it's almost kind of admirable.

Not quite Troll 2 bad... but close.

ON A SCALE OF 1-10: Unconvincing dino puppets run amuck! 3.

~ WATCH THE TRAILER ~

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Seems like up is down and red is blue.

"I Know Who Killed Me" (2007)

STARRING: Lindsay Lohan, Julia Ormond, Neal McDonough

PLOT: When Aubrey Fleming goes missing, the town suspects a serial killer has abducted her. When she is miraculously found alive, mutilated and unconscious on the side of a country road, she has no memory of her life, insisting that her real name is Dakota Moss. Is Aubrey a victim of her own fractured mind, or is there truth to her unbelievable claim? She must solve the mystery before her torturer returns to finish the job...

IN TWO WORDS: RED! BLUE!

MY TAKE: It should come as little surprise that this movie has an abysmal Rotten Tomatoes rating and has been universally panned by critics. Chances are you didn't see it. Chances are you rolled your eyes at the commercials, because -- let's face it -- this is a Lindsay Lohan movie. Critics are people too, and by the time this movie hit theaters in 2007, people everywhere were fed up with the lead starlet's off-screen antics. Nobody wanted to support a self-indulgent brat by paying to see this, and those that did see it seemed to let their opinions of Lohan's public life color their impression of this film. It's a shame that most critics decided to lock arms and steamroll this flick into the dirt, because -- believe it or not -- this movie is actually decent. In fact, I'm shocked to admit, it's pretty darn good.

Lindsay's as shocked as you are!

Like most people, I'd dismissed this flick entirely. But when I heard it referred to as an "American giallo" by the Dead Lantern Splattercast, I was intrigued. When it comes to horror movies, those guys seriously know their shit, and when they recommended I give it a shot, I decided to take their advice. I'm glad I did. The comparison to Italian gialli is an appropriate one -- to call this an American interpretation of the giallo style is absolutely spot-on. That's exactly what this is. I Know Who Killed Me is saturated with color and symbolism, vibrant reds and blues tinting every frame of the movie. Heavy with symbolism and repeated images, this flick is also heavy-handed with the blood and gore. A slasher killer, a psychological mystery, and though Lohan herself doesn't go nude, there are multiple scenes featuring female nudity. I'm stumped to think of a recent movie that evokes the giallo style more than this one.

The film follows a girl named Aubrey Fleming. She's a bright student, a writer, and an accomplished pianist. Aubrey is looking forward to college, and spends the majority of her time studying and writing fiction on her computer. She lives in an idyllic town, has a boyfriend who is nuts about her, and a family who loves her. But everything is not as picture-perfect as it appears. A fellow student in her class was recently murdered, her drowned corpse found horribly mutilated. The press wants to run with a serial killer story, but the cops are fighting to keep it hushed up. But when star student Aubrey vanishes one night, people's worst fears are confirmed. Someone is abducting and killing girls, keeping them alive while he or she whittles them down one limb at a time. The authorities fear the worst for Aubrey, and everyone is amazed when she is found alive.

Alive... but not altogether whole.

Aubrey has no memory of her life. She doesn't know her parents or friends and insists that she is someone named Dakota Moss. Interrogated by police and medical professionals, everyone believes Aubrey has lost her grip on reality. Everyone, that is, except Dakota. She is in every way a different person than Aubrey. A smoker, a drinker, and a former exotic dancer, Dakota shocks her loved ones with her foul language and bad attitude. The FBI is convinced she's stonewalling, hindering their investigation by refusing to tell what little of the incident she remembers. Her family refuses to indulge Aubrey's delusion that she is Dakota, insistent that if she returns home, her fractured memory will return. Dakota plays along and returns to Aubrey's home, picking up Aubrey's life where she left it, all the while determined to figure out what happened.

When strange, seemingly paranormal occurrences and visions begin to plague Dakota, the audience is thrown off track. What appears at first to be a straightforward tale of mistaken identity quickly becomes something else. Even if you're convinced you know what's going on and who is responsible, like any good giallo, you won't know the full story until the end of the film.

Who is Dakota? Who is Aubrey? What the hell is going on?

I really liked this. While certainly not for everyone, especially people who hate Lohan or find graphic gore distasteful, I think most people would be surprised how decent this flick is. The mystery is intriguing, and the film is gorgeous to look at. Of course, it does have its problems. Lohan's harsh black dye-job and spray-on tan are distracting to say the least, and I spent the majority of the film wanting to hold her down and scrub her head till she looked somewhat natural. She is a beautiful girl, and she shows a lot of skin as Dakota. There are multiple strip club dance scenes, but the fact that she never once gets topless while working the stripper pole is a little hard to swallow. Fun to watch, but if you're gonna convince an audience you're a world-weary exotic dancer, nipples are almost a necessity. Come on, Lindsay! We've seen 'em in magazines, why hold out when you're playing a stripper?

Other gripes are small, but worth mentioning. Aubrey's high school boyfriend was flat-out terrible. I find it hard to believe that bright, intelligent Aubrey she would waste her time on a lunkheaded dolt like Jarrod. She refuses to have sex with him, so clearly it's not a phsyical thing, and he's not especially attractive in any way. Are we to believe they have deep, meaningful conversations whenever they're off-screen together? Whether this is bad casting or poor writing (or a combination of the two), I don't know. I think the boyfriend is only in the movie as a device to see some raunchy amputee-sex, and hey, I guess I can get behind that. But he's still dull as a bag of hair, and we all know Lindsay could score someone much better looking. Other things like the laughable robotic hand and Darnell from My Name Is Earl as the utterly unconvincing prosthetic scientist leap to mind, but the lasting impression this movie made wasn't how much it sucked, but how much it didn't suck.

Plus, you know, there's a lot of this.

Of all the things to bitch about in I Know Who Killed Me, the one person I can't fault is the one person that incurred the wrath of audiences and critics alike -- Lindsay Lohan. She's really great in this, and I'm not ashamed to admit it. She convincingly plays the dual roles of Aubrey and Dakota, and she carries almost every single scene of the movie by herself. I thought it would be difficult to separate her infamous party-girl image from the characters she played, but she made it easy. Whether most people would like to admit it, Lohan is a talented actress. It's clear that she loves acting, and I sincerely hope she sorts her shit out so that she can continue to act. When the movie was over, I found myself thinking favorably of her and feeling guilty that I'd judged her so harshly as an artist based on anything but her art. So don't let your opinion of Lindsay Lohan's partying ways prevent you from seeing I Know Who Killed Me. Take my advice -- it's worth a shot. This movie tries many things you don't usually see in American horror movies, and for that I have to give it props.

ON A SCALE OF 1-10: A delightfully twisted American giallo! 7!

~ WATCH THE TRAILER ~

Our house is a very, very, very fine house.

"The Last House on the Left" (2009)

STARRING: Garret Dillahunt, Tony Goldwyn, Sara Paxton

PLOT: While on vacation, a girl crosses paths with a group of dangerous criminals. Later, the gang is forced to take refuge with a married couple -- who, unbeknownst to anyone, happen to be the young girl's parents.

IN TWO WORDS: REEE-VENGE!

OUR TAKE: This is destined to be a polarizing movie. You're going to love it or hate it -- and if you loved it, you're probably going to have to explain yourself and grovel a bit to those that didn't. Why? Because this movie is unabashedly, unapologetically brutal. If you enjoyed it, be prepared to get cock-eyed looks of disgust from your loved ones. But not us! Here at Twins of Evil Co., we roll around in the filth!

So it's with an inappropriate measure of glee we report that this movie is well worth the price of admission. YES, it is a remake of a beloved cult classic, but unlike many recent attempts to add a new coat of gloss to an old standard, this updated retelling of The Last House on the Left shines brightly on its own.

You know, through all the awesome blood-soaked violence.

There's no need to get anyone's panties in a bunch for daring to revisit the source material -- it's still available for rental and purchase -- so let's all shut the fuck up and stop whining, okay? Embrace the newness! The plot poses a devilishly simple question: if you came face-to-face with someone who had hurt your loved one, how far would you go to hurt them back? The fact is that many of us simply don't know what lies beneath the surface, and we might be surprised by what we are capable of when pushed.

We meet the Collingwood family as they're heading out for vacation, to their lakeside summer home. Daughter Mari is everything a parent could ask for: smart, kind, beautiful. Father John is a level-headed practicing surgeon, and mother Emma is looking forward to spending some time away from the city. It's clear through their interaction with one another that the family has been through some recent emotional hardships, but they're a resilient lot. These early scenes establish an important connection with the audience -- the Collingwoods feel very genuine, like any normal family. They're neither sappy with affection nor hostile with dramatic tension. They're simply a husband, a wife, and a daughter on a family trip. They could be anyone. They could easily be you.

It's not a comforting thought.

When Mari meets up with old friend Paige, the two head out for a day of girl-fun and catching up. But due to a naive lapse in teenage judgment, the girls soon find themselves in an awkward situation going bad fast. Things take a hard turn, and before they even have time to fully understand what's happening, Mari and Paige are caught up in dark and deadly business with dark and deadly people. A gang of menacing criminals -- led by a particularly vicious man named Krug -- are suddenly in a position of authority with two frightened young girls and one big decision to make. What follows is a living nightmare, bright and vivid and all-too realistic. When these violent animals give in to their violent natures, Mari and Paige are left to cry, beg and scream for mercy. They shall receive none.

Neither will the audience.

Beginning to end, this movie is deeply disturbing. It should be no real surprise to anyone who has seen the original film (or for that matter bothered to read the MPAA warning released with this movie) that the rape storyline was kept in, and like the original film it is an enormously important part of the story.

~~~~

PONYBOY: I love how showing rape in a movie is ALWAYS WRONG, but ask the same people and depicting murder is somehow ok.

MR. B: I do find it odd that people are perfectly fine with watching someone get claw-hammered to death, but you violate the chastity of ONE teenage girl and well, you've just gone too far!

PONYBOY: There is also, let it be said, far less rape than in the original film. The way the original scenes were shot, it felt almost like a snuff film. In a good way, but still fucking vulgar as hell. In this version, while it's certainly still vulgar, the mental and physical anguish of the victims came across a LOT stronger.

MR. B: There are far less white-boy afros as well. I will say that everyone is WAY hotter in the new version. Sorry David Hess. :(

PONYBOY: See, ugly as he is, I'd still do Hess. I'd give him one.

MR. B: I'm a sucker for the classics. Er.... That is... *ahem*

PONYBOY: I wasn't offended by the rape scene. It was done about as tastefully as you could hope for, especially for a horror movie. It's impossible to cut it from the story. If the girls had just been beaten up, it wouldn't make sense for Mom and Dad to react the way they did. The sexual assault of their daughter is what sets Dad off FOR SURE.

MR. B: Glorious, comfortable murder! People want to whine about it, but HEY MOTHERFUCKERS, guess what? You just proved my point. the one thing that pushes audiences too far is also the same thing that pushed Mom and Dad too far.

PONYBOY: No jury would convict them.

MR. B: I also enjoyed the subtle hand they used to convey the Collingwood's relationship. They never come right out and say it, but you pick up instantly that stuff's been strained between John and Emma for a while. Who knew it would be tag-team bloodsports that brought them closer together?

Who needs therapy when you have drifters to kill?

PONYBOY: You could DEFINITELY see a twinkle in Dad's eye once the killing had started.

MR. B: More than a twinkle! I got the impression that dad was kind of WAITING to go apeshit. It must be stressful being a highly-paid doctor.

PONYBOY: The family that slays together, stays together.

MR. B: As much as I love Greg Dillahunt, I've gotta say that somehow I think the son's quieter performance almost upstaged Krug's. But it might be just that I thought he was WAY ADORABLE.

PONYBOY: I kept trying to place who this kid reminded me of, and I think I've got it. Paul Dano + Brad Renfro with a ~hint~ of Jason Mewes. Tell me I'm wrong. Poor adorable puppy, so emo and miserable the WHOLE MOVIE. :(

Krug does NOT enjoy being out-adorabled.

MR. B: Speaking of misery -- how great was the daughter?

PONYBOY: She was my favorite character in the movie, which is nice for once. Usually I'm indifferent to the hero and in love with some periferal character -- but what's-her-face really stole the show. I guess I oughta learn her name, since I'm sure we'll be seeing more of her. (SARA PAXTON)

MR. B: Having a likeable, realistic heroine in the lead? Wait, am I in the 70's?

PONYBOY: I KNOW, RIGHT? That's why this remake felt so spot-on. Because it subtly emulated the era of the original, but set it in current day. You could watch them back-to-back.

MR. B: No doubt! Although I admit I wasn't able to "watch" everything. There were a few bits peppered through-out the flick with grievous BONE TRAUMA, and as much of a badass as I am, I still can't watch people's hands get mangled.

PONYBOY: Speaking of badass, I think bad girl Sadie was a stand-out for a couple of reasons.

MR. B: Nice to see realistic titties making a comeback.

PONYBOY: They were real, and they were spectacular. Fake tits kinda ruined Mother of Tears a little for me.

MR. B: Take it back! I mean hey, I'm not a big fan of coconut, but cake is cake. I'm gonna eat that shit. No one turns down free titties.

PONYBOY: Can I just say that all the guys in this were hot? I enjoyed watching them all fight and grapple with each other.

MR. B: I was conflicted leaving the theater, but only because I couldn't decide who was hotter. And also if the son character was "legal enough".

PONYBOY: Hey, I'm right there with you man.

MR. B: For the record, he is! PERV ON!

PONYBOY: SWEET! I'm already wearing my trenchcoat!

~~~~

The dreamy cinematography evokes films like All the Boys Love Mandy Lane and The Virgin Suicides and makes the grisly violence in the movie more shocking by comparison. (Would you believe this film was shot entirely on location in South Africa? No shit!) However, it's the acting that elevates this to a new-school classic, with expert performances all around: Garret Dillahunt and Riki Lindhome are deliciously cold-blooded while Tony Goldwyn is red-hot rage. Both Sara Paxton and Spencer Treat Clark deliver painfully sympathetic performances. The Last House on the Left is a quick plunge into hell, but the badness is so good you might just want to vacation there...

...just don't answer the door to any strangers.

ON A SCALE OF 1-10: A clever, memorable twist on a cult classic. 8.

~ WATCH THE TRAILER ~

Here baby, there mama, everywhere daddy daddy, HAIR!

"EXTE: Hair Extensions" (aka "Ekusute") (2007)

STARRING: Chiaki Kuriyama, Ren Osugi, Megumi Sato

PLOT: When a woman is murdered, the continuously-growing hair from her corpse is harvested and given to unwitting beauty salons as beautiful new hair extensions... Little do the patrons know that the extensions will enable a restless spirit to take revenge!

IN A WORD: SHAVE!

MY TAKE: This movie kicks ass. I rented it from NetFlix as a joke, thinking that it would at least deliver some cheesy gross-out effects, and at best be a lukewarm thriller. Haunted hair extensions?? I honestly didn't expect much. But you know what? My friends, this movie was fucking awesome. Pound for pound the most hair you will EVER see in one movie, possibly in all movies ever combined, and if you've never been scared to get your hair cut before, you'll definitely be a little wary the next time you go in for a trim. EXTE manages to take something benign and commonplace and make it terrifying, and it's always a delight to see a movie that can achieve this.

I am so glad I don't have any wigs in the house;
I'd be burning them right now if I did.

So... why hair? If you're observant, you'll notice that hair seems to take a prominent place in all sorts of Asian horror stories, fables, anime, movies, and music. From brides with white hair, to demons using threads of hair as lutes or weapons, to the freakshow ganguro gals on the streets of Shibuya, to Visual-K musicians with wildly colored hairdos of astronomical height -- it's all over the place. In EXTE -- a grisly ghost revenge flick from Japan -- hair itself is something to be feared. The evil hair we speak of comes from the scalp of a murdered woman, whose body was discovered stuffed and rotting in a harbor shipping crate full of hair extensions. The morgue-worker assigned to deal with her body just happens to be a hair-obsessed lunatic, and soon the woman's body mysteriously goes missing. To the weirdo's delight, her hair continues to grow... and grow, and grow! Soon he has to do something with all this fucking hair, so he decides to pawn it off on some local salons in the hopes they will like the samples and buy more. Sounds like a great plan! He's making money, the stores are making money, and every night he gets to come home to his perfect little doll...

Did I mention the hair kills people? Yeah, the hair kills people.

So, perhaps predictably, but ~deliciously~ so: everyone who receives the haunted hair extensions becomes possessed by the vengeful spirit of the woman and is either outright killed, or brainwashed into murdering other people and THEN killed. There is no escape! The hair extensions are ruthless, and when they decide on a victim, they don't fuck around. Hair doesn't sound so scary at first -- what can it do, choke you? Well, yes, it can. It can also get sucked up under your skin and slither through your eye sockets, over your eyeballs. Sound like fun? Or maybe it'll start pouring out of your mouth, suffocating you in unstoppable rivers of hair. Or it might shoot out from your head, each strand like a taut razor-sharp piano wire, eviscerating you and everyone else in the room. Oh, there's a lot it can do, and EXTE is endlessly creative in finding new ways to make your skin crawl.

The effects are fantastic, and the sound editing really makes you feel what's going on. Not entirely pleasant, but that's kind of the point. People who gross-out easily will probably want to steer clear of this flick. The scares are enormously effective, the black humor works surprisingly well, and the acting is great across the board. The two standout performances are little Miku Sato as Mami, an abused child whose performance is heartbreakingly real, and actress "Tsugumi" as Mami's sinister mother, a monster possibly even more terrifying than a whole room of possessed, bloodthirsty hair extensions... Chiaki Kuriyama of Battle Royale and Kill Bill fame plays the lead, a beautiful hairdresser named Yuko who must thwart not only the ghost and her hairy minions but her own evil sister as well. Can she do it?! EXTE is more than worth a rental to find out.

It's sick, it's gory, it's graphic -- but man. It's FUN.

ON A SCALE OF 1-10: Original, gross, and tons of fun! 9!

~ WATCH THE TRAILER ~

We'll get there fast and then we'll take it slow

Eugenie... The Story of

Her Journey into Perversion (1970)

STARRING: Marie Liljedahl, Maria Rohm, Jack Taylor, Christopher Lee

PLOT: A brother-sister duo set their evil designs on a young ingenue whose beauty and innocence drives them to violence!

IN TWO WORDS: Private. Island.

MY TAKE: This second film in the Franco-directed "Eugenie" franchise is in NO WAY related to the father-daughter orgiastic murderfest -- "Eugenie de Sade" -- save for the common thread: a young naïve girl named Eugenie. But just to make things a little more confusing (hey, why not?) both films were shot back-to-back in 1970, this being the intended second of the two. However, the star of the original film, Soledad Miranda, died tragically in a traffic accident. "Eugenie de Sade" was shelved until 1975. That is how the second film, "Eugenie... the Story of Her Journey into Perversion" came about to be released FIRST, five years before it's predecessor. Confused? It doesn't matter! There's no need to know anything about the other film whatsoever to get through this review. See how I waste your precious time?

Eugenie is a delicate girl, sheltered by her loving parents and clueless to the harsh ways of the world. Ah, but how her innocence torments her secret admirers! As it happens, Miss Eugenie has become the object of fascination of a wealthy duo of brother/sister aristocrats. They're rich, they're bored, they're sexual sociopaths. While both have deviant designs on this graceful creature, they suffer from varying degrees of madness. While Madame de St. Ange plays cat-and-mouse, dear brother Mirvel has darker desires. Sick, bloody desires! A handful of lies and a little blackmail later, Eugenie is invited on an exclusive vacation to the sibling's private island for relaxation in the sun, unawares of the plans they have laid...

...But, you know. She catches on pretty quick.

Whatever will they do to poor Eugenie? Is she as innocent as she seems? Will Mirvel's raging, uncontrollable lust cause him to come across as twitchy and desperate, committing party-foul after party-foul? What's with all the Satanists anyhow, and HOLY SHIT, IS THAT REALLY CHRISTOPHER LEE? (Oh yeah. It is.) All will be stripped naked, whipped, accosted and (eveeeentually) revealed by the tolling of the ominous bell... dun dun DUN!

As much as I enjoyed "Eugenie de Sade" I think somehow I ended up liking THIS film even more. As far as depravity, it's not quite as far off the deep end. While there's no creepy DAD-SEX there's enough other taboo bits to even the playing field. Marie Liljedahl plays Eugenie as a girl who is both victimized brutally, and -- bizarrely -- ultimately, into it. (She's nowhere near the maniac that Soledad Miranda's Eugenie was.) Being able to bring some realistic emotions to THE ORGY OF WEIRD gives the heroine much needed sympathy. Eugenie isn't insane. Eugenie is coerced! Tempted into random acts of badness by very rich and attractive people with wacky 70's drugs! In fact, it's hard to say that with a few cocktails in you, YOU wouldn't get down and do some kinky shit with a brother-sister tag-team. They own a PRIVATE ISLAND. Those two words hold a lot of sway. Don't even start with me. PRIVATE. ISLAND.

The latest in fashionable private island wear.

It's hard to hate bad guys who are so abusively good-looking, so I won't. I SUBMIT! Maria Rohm and Jack Taylor are wonderful as the sibling villains. Blonde and flawless, dressed exquisitely or exquisitely undressed. You may recognize them from various other Jess Franco productions -- in "Count Dracula" they played the roles of Mina and Arthur, respectively. Here they shine as shameless, socialite sex-perverts. See, THIS is why kids need to learn the value of a buck. You give them an allowance without demanding household chores in return, and what do you get? They grow up all fucked and selfish, wanting to whip people with chains while listening to free jazz, and never EVER calling their mother. Spoiled brats with their own PRIVATE ISLAND.

The look of the film is just lush. The lighting gels add ridiculous color, really amping up the effects of the drug scenes. I was stone-cold sober while watching this flick and some scenes left me feeling Benadryl-loopy. Dreamy and melodic music is woven through the film which heightens the otherworldly ambiance. I particularly enjoyed a guitar ballad that the sibling's servant Augustin plays on his acoustic. Though horribly dubbed, it's quite enchanting. From beginning to end the film is an erotic bad-trip. Vicious enough that you might long to stop, but so alluring that you can't. Much like the spell Eugenie unwittingly casts over those who adore her, so this picture weaves a siren's song around your brain. Also, there are MONDO TITTIES.

ON A SCALE OF 1-10: Sexy and intense! 9!

We'll meet again

"Audrey Rose" (1977)

STARRING: Anthony Hopkins, Marsha Mason, Susan Swift

PLOT: A mysterious stranger attempts to convince a happily married couple that their 11-year-old daughter is actually the reincarnation of his own daughter, who died 11 years ago.

IN TWO WORDS: Déjà vu!

MY TAKE: In a world filled with the same old predictable slasher movies, rampaging monsters, sexy vampires, and typical ghostly shenanigans, Audrey Rose is truly a breath of fresh air. Not only is it filmed beautifully and starring the always-impressive Anthony Hopkins, but the story itself is unique, shocking, and haunting. This movie *literally* haunted me for many years. I'd seen Audrey Rose on television when I was little, and the disturbing sounds and images were so effectively burned on my brain that years later even hearing the name "Audrey" made my stomach clench. I was profoundly bothered by the cover of the movie, a photo of a young girl screaming in terror at a rainy window, and I'd rush past it whenever I'd see it in a video store. What was so surprising about all this is that the movie isn't what most people would even consider "scary". There isn't a villain. There aren't even any horror movie scares that you might expect. The horror in Audrey Rose comes from deep dark places we can all identify with: the loss of a loved one and being unable to keep your child safe from harm. Nothing in real life is as frightening and heartbreaking as those things, which is why this movie probably affected me so strongly. It digs up shit you just don't want to think about and makes you look right at it. Everyone you have ever loved will eventually die, and so will you.

But what if death isn't the end?

It is also worth mentioning that this is probably one of the best and most thorough adaptations of a novel I've ever seen. That's to be expected, I suppose, as the author Frank De Felitta also wrote the screenplay. Almost every scene in the novel is in the movie, most of them word for word. The casting is perfect. Anthony Hopkins has never let me down, even if some of the movies he's starred in have been epic shitbombs, the man himself is flawless. He plays bereaved father Elliot Hoover, desperate to convince happy New York couple Janice and Bill Templeton that their daughter Ivy is, in actuality, the reincarnation of his dead daughter Audrey Rose. It's a wild story, unbelievable, but Elliot believes it completely. The Templetons think Elliot is insane with grief and possibly a danger to their daughter. Who is this lunatic who follows them everywhere? Why has he chosen their daughter to fixate on? Bill will hear none of it. The man is a menace. He needs to be locked up and kept far away from Ivy.

Janice agrees with Bill... at first.

But Ivy's nightmares have started again. Unexplainable fits of screaming and sleepwalking, always the same, always happening near her birthday. And until now, nothing could calm her down, make her stop crying and shrieking in the middle of the night. Running around their home, hurting herself, tripping over furniture, pounding violently on windows screaming in terror for her Daddy, screaming that it was hot, as though she was burning alive... Nothing could stop the madness until Elliot Hoover appeared. Janice doesn't know what to believe when Elliot tells her how Audrey Rose died, trapped in a wrecked car and burned alive, at the exact moment Ivy Templeton was born. How could it be true? Is Ivy really Audrey Rose? And if she isn't, how is it that Elliot can stop her screaming, that she responds to the name Audrey Rose, that she runs into his arms calling him Daddy?

Elliot and Ivy share a profound, unexplainable bond.

The movie really makes you think. You'll find yourself thinking of all those dreams you've had that felt so real. Places you felt like you've been before or felt drawn to for no reason at all. Things you've always loved or hated with no explanation. Irrational fears... are they so irrational? Could all these loves and phobias and longings be echoes of a former lifetime? Multiple lifetimes? If, like me, you find yourself craving more of the story, there is a sequel to the novel called For Love of Audrey Rose. It picks up the exact second the first novel (and the movie) ends, and I found myself caring so deeply about the characters, I wish that there had been a third! Frank De Felitta is a wonderful author, who is also responsible for the novel/movie The Entity. Definitely worth a read, and 1977's Audrey Rose is DEFINITELY worth a watch. It dares you to keep your eyes wide open as death draws near, because for all we know, it might only be the beginning.

Maybe death is not the end.

ON A SCALE OF 1-10: Mind-opening, emotional thriller! One of my all-time favorites! 10!

~ WATCH THE TRAILER ~

Happy Father's Day

"Eugenie de Sade" (1975)

STARRING: Soledad Miranda, Paul Muller

PLOT: Beautiful yet shy Eugenie finds herself irresistibly attracted to her step-father after discovering his dark secret. Soon the two become lost in a seedy underworld of sexual depravity and murder.

IN TWO WORDS: Taboo kink!

MY TAKE: I've finally come to the realization that no matter how delicately I attempt approach my review, there's just NO GOOD WAY to say "I enjoyed this horrotica incest movie" without sounding like a degenerate creep. So, instead I'm just going to lay it on out there there like a flaming bag of poo on your doorstep. If you're easily offended, FIRST OF ALL: what the *hell* are you doing reading this blog? AND SECONDLY: it's probably best to stop now -- complaints and "HOW DAR U"s will be gleefully ignored. :D

2008 will forever be marked in my mind as the year I went all APESHIT BANANAS for director Jess Franco. The man has a Willy-Wonka-style ability to blend the beautiful and imaginative with the shocking and obscene. Truly, he is a master. I came to love Franco's muse Soledad Miranda in the sensitive, deranged "She Killed in Ecstasy" (as well as a host of other titles the two collaborated on). It was only a matter of time until I worked my way through the rental shelf and stumbled on this bizarre picture. Franco and Miranda... AND the Marquis de Sade? WELL WELL WELL!

Even in the 70's, parents were bad at hiding their porn.

Eugenie is a shy girl who lives a life of leisure in a quaint suburban home, all alone with her dear, darling step-dad (a noted author). Let me clarify: STEP-Dad. STEP. Dad. I'm just making THAT little distinction for later, when you all start pointing and calling me disgusting. Hey now. HEY HEY HEY, boys and girls. I'm only STEP-disgusting. Remember that. As it turns out, innocent Eugenie doesn't know much about dad's work. After snooping through his study one day, she discovers a book of... erotica! HOLY BALLS, DAD WRITES SMUT. (Just like all of your online friends. That's right, I know all about them.) Instead of being embarrassed, Eugenie finds herself perplexed and weirdly excited.

Admittedly, he's not the sexiest creature.

Once Dad (STEP-Dad) discovers Eugenie has ferreted out his dirty little secret, he quickly drops all pretense. In his own creepy and WAY-TOO-EAGER-TO-BE-EDUCATIONAL way, Dad (STEP-Dad) opens up to his teen-aged ward about how he pays the bills, and what a relief it is that they can all FINALLY talk at length about pornography. We get the impression that Eugenie has been locked away from the world, that she's grown up strangely -- like those pasty-faced kids from Flowers in the Attic -- only bright enough not to eat fucking rat poison. After their heart-to-heart about the down-home joys of erotica, Eugenie starts seeing her Dad (STEP-Dad) in a new light.

PRO-TIP: Cold? Try wearing pants.

There's a shift in her feelings, from adoration of a father (GEE, GO FIGURE) to the worship of an idol. Eugenie gets porn-colored stars in her eyes and begins to see her Dad (STEP-Dad) as something of an all-knowing guru. He's so experienced! Golly! He knows so much about everything! Suddenly Dad (STEP-Dad) turns into an object of fancy. Like the hot boy in school... only, you know. Twice as old with half as much hair. AND ALSO, YOUR DAD. I suppose it's a BIT easier to swallow because the script reminds us repeatedly that Eugenie and Dad (STEP-Dad) are in no way related, BUT STILL. It's no big secret that Dad (STEP-Dad) has devious designs on Eugenie. We figure that one out when he lends her a book containing a short story... where a girl named Eugenie has sex with her dad.

SUBTLE, BOY. REAL SUBTLE.

ALAS! Once the freshness-seal on the taboo jar of pickles has been popped, it cannot be sealed again! Perversion. Attraction. Corruption. RANDOM OTHER INCIDENTS OF INAPPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR. Once Eugenie and Dad (STEP-Dad) launch into the carnal void, there's nothing to reign them back in again. So why limit curiosity? Who's to say they shouldn't play with murder too? What's a little sadomasochistic serial homicide between family members?

The film is shot in soft tones and bright colors, with all of the flattering lighting (and borderline obnoxious use of zoom-lenses) that you come to expect with a Jess Franco movie. Visually, it's a flick that's easy on the eyes. The soundtrack, though repetitive, features haunting female vocals which lends a lot to the seductive, dream-like feel of the film. Soledad Miranda as Eugenie is equal parts innocence and batshit, giving a whole new meaning to the term Lolita.

She's bad for business.

Strangely enough, I don't think that "Eugenie de Sade" is a hard movie to sell. Why? Because I guarantee you, you know *right now* either: THIS IS SOOOO NOT FOR ME *or* I AM WEIRDLY INTERESTED. There's no middle ground with a flick like this. It's too scandalous. If you're morally offended by sexual nonsense, by all means skip it. But if you're intrigued, DON'T BE SHEEPISH! Get your butt to a cult video store and check it out.

ON A SCALE OF 1-10: Degenerate creeps unite! 8.

~ WATCH THIS (HILARIOUSLY OVER-EDITED) TRAILER! ~

We are made from the sharpest things

"Child of Glass" (1978)

STARRING: Steve Shaw, Katy Kurtzman

PLOT: When Alexander and his family move into an old mansion in Louisiana, he is drawn into a century-old mystery by the ghost of a little Creole girl. She pleads for his help to set her soul at rest, but he only has until Halloween at midnight to unravel the clues and solve the riddle of "The Child of Glass"! Can he do it, or will he be haunted forever?

IN TWO WORDS: Zut alors!

MY TAKE: Child of Glass is a made-for-tv Disney flick from the 70s, which has gained a large cult following over the years. Not a straight-up horror movie, but the themes of the picture (ghosts, graves, witchcraft, homicidal hobos) probably scared the pants off many a kid over the years. It's a shame this hasn't been released on DVD yet and that the VHS is nearly impossible to find, so if you see this for rent somewhere, definitely check it out while you have the chance. It's a sweet little movie that brings to mind other spooky Disney flicks like Hocus Pocus, The Watcher in the Woods, or even the psychic alien adventure Escape to Witch Mountain. While perhaps not quite as memorable or entertaining as those three movies, I think that a DVD release of Child of Glass is definitely in order, as it would make a perfect addition to your kids movie Halloween lineup.

Alexander and his super cool 70s haircut.

The movie begins as Alexander and his family move into their new home -- a HUGE plantation mansion, complete with barn and a sordid history involving a river pirate and some stolen jewels. Its reputation is widely known in the area, which we can assume without even being told is somewhere in New Orleans. Everyone in this movie is delightfully southern, using Louisiana slang in thick Louisiana accents. It's actually pretty cute, though I can imagine some little kids having a hard time understanding what some of the characters were saying -- I had some trouble in parts. I don't know what it is about the parents in these types of movies that compells them to buy a gigantic mansion and move their family into it without ever letting them even SEE the place beforehand, but Alexander is in the same boat. Luckily, their new home is only a little ways down the road from their last home, so he can go to the same school and hang out with the same people. Alexander's goofy friend Blossom, who is obsessed with the occult and clearly in love with him though he remains oblivious, is also happy about this. She's constantly hanging around and annoying him relentlessly, as her psychicly-inclined aunt Lavinia is Alexander's family maid.

Inez the ghost begs for help!

The story really gets going when Alexander encounters the ghost of a young Creole girl in the attic of the barn. She is beautiful and brilliantly illuminated in blue light, the sound of tinkling glass always accompanying her whenever she appears... The effect is quite lovely, and like the audience, Alexander is enchanted rather than frightened. Her name is Inez and she begs him for help. She tells him a riddle about a "child of glass", and says that if he can solve it before midnight on Halloween night, her soul will be free. If he fails, she is doomed to remain a ghost forever. How can he refuse? But tangled up in this riddle is also the mystery of the river pirate and his missing jewels, and a drunk and dangerous man who lurks around the property...

But, the story does drag a bit. There is a side-story about Alexander's mom throwing a big costume ball in a silly game of one-upsmanship with some catty neighbor, which frankly I found kind of boring. Get back to the ghost stuff! I don't care about the stupid parents! But I guess it was worth it to see everyone in fancy gowns, waltzing around the mansion. She even forces Alexander to dress up, which leads to a bittersweet dance scene that reminded me of all the crappy school dances I went to in elementary school. The only part of this movie that aggravated me was when Alexander falls down the dilapidated well. Rather than call for backup and climbing equipment and trained professionals and paramedics, the cop on the scene decided to lower little Blossom down on a fucking rope for her to save him. I know this is just a movie, but even so, I was appalled that a police officer would put a child in danger like that. I hope he lost his badge! She could have been killed!

Blossom and Alexander consult mystic forces for clues...

Child of Glass isn't a perfect movie, but it's still a pretty fun one. If you've got young children, this would probably become one of their favorites. A lot of people online have recalled very fond memories of this, and I can totally see why. It's a charming tale of the supernatural with just enough danger to keep things exciting, perfect for Halloween. I hope that it sees release on DVD some time in the future! If I see a VHS copy of it for sale, I will definitely snap it up.

ON A SCALE OF 1-10: Fun supernatural thrills for the kiddies! 5.

~ WATCH A CLIP FROM THE MOVIE! ~