I Want to Phuck You Like an Animal

"Phantom of the Opera" (1998)

STARRING: Asia Argento, Julian Sands

PLOT: A troubled madman stalks the shadows of the Paris Opera House and falls in love with a young singer.

IN A WORD: Phan-tastic!

~ Back by popular demand, a Twins of Evil joint-review! ~

OUR TAKE: A classic tale of romance and horror, as told by a visionary Italian legend, starring his voluptuous daughter and the motherfucking Warlock. What more could you want? However, it seems that this flick has been universally despised for the last decade, tossed aside like the lowest form of cinema garbage. Watching this movie for the first time, we couldn't figure out why... and then it struck us: it's those cranky Phantom fans! If you come to this movie expecting the beloved musical version (or anything resembling the original novel) prepare to be butthurt. This is Dario Argento, and he doesn't care about your phucking Phantom. If seeing a pair of titties leaves you aghast and appalled, wringing your opera gloves -- go see the stage production. You're fucking it all up for the rest of us.

Trust us. You'll see A LOT more than titties in this movie.

Let's get this out of the way: In Argento-land, our beloved Phantom is NOT disfigured, does NOT wear a mask, and does NOT teach Christine to sing. Argento's Phantom is obscenely good-looking, has a penchant for leather pants, and has ~PSYCHOSEXUAL TELEKINESIS~. (Pretty cool, right?) Instead of romantic whispering through mirrors, our Phantom flat-out mind-rapes anyone he damn well pleases. A strong as ten men, cut like a Chippendales' dancer -- and though he does not sing -- he can also, apparently, fly. Argento's Christine is never confused about who or what the Phantom is. In the musical, she is deceived, believing him (in her naivete) to be a benevolent angel of music. In this version, Christine understands that Phantom 2.0 is a dangerous killer, and apparently this is what gets her off. The fact that he regularly -- and spectacularly! -- dispatches opera patrons and maintenance staff doesn't really factor into play much. No, she's pretty much ready to fuck him the moment she claps eyes on him.

...just like the rest of us!

She's a young girl with a head full of romantic ideas, and he's Julian Sands, professional panty-melter. The Phantom, bewitched by Christine's voice (and revealing wardrobe) uses his dastardly, underhanded ways to position her as the star of the opera. While he weaves his spell of lust and control over Christine, another man vies for her heart. Those of you who have always found the Raoul character to be a painfully unnecessary cockblocker might be surprised to discover Agento's rewrite casts him as a sympathetic opium addict.

Say wahhhh?

Whatever will become of the fragile songstress, torn between two (seriously damaged) loves? And more importantly, does the Phantom phinally get laid?!

~~~~

PONYBOY: So, how creepy is it that Asia Argento's DAD filmed this?

MRBNATURAL: What? Like there's anything weird about watching a stranger lovingly assfuck your daughter?

PONYBOY: Yeah, they have a fun relationship.

As in dis-fun-ctional.

MRBNATURAL: The sexy shit that goes on in this flick makes the topless scene in Trauma seem cute by comparison.

PONYBOY: How did you like the Terry-Gilliam-inspired subplot with the filthy French exterminator, his gleeful dwarven cohort, and the rocket-powered rat vacuum rollercoaster ride through the subterranean catacombs?

MRBNATURAL: I'd say it really classed-up the picture. Now settle a bet for me, was the Phantom raised by a swarm of rodents in the original? I can't remember.

PONYBOY: I don't recall him being the Rat King of Chicago in Gaston LeRoux's version. The rat masturbation scene was definitely Argento.

MRBNATURAL: Props to Julian Sands, because he SOLD that scene.

Oh, if only we were joking.

PONYBOY: The big reveal in this version isn't the lifting of the mask, it's catching her man with a rat down his pants. That's pretty much a deal-breaker right there.

MRBNATURAL: Yeah, suddenly Raoul's not lookin' so bad... He was kind of a third wheel until he suddenly popped up half-naked in an opium den and I started rooting for him. You know. To get more naked.

PONYBOY: I was too busy looking at the full-frontal fat ladies and old man wang. I couldn't tell you what else happened in that scene.

MRBNATURAL: Oh, Italy!

PONYBOY: This whole picture is a love-letter to Europe.

MRBNATURAL: Come to France! Get crushed by a chandelier!

PONYBOY: You want creeping pedophiles? We got those too! And I have to say, the Phantom delivered some amazing kills in this film. Stalagmite impalings! Throats being ripped out with his bare teeth! It was a joy to watch him work.

MRBNATURAL: Yeah, I enjoyed watching him work on Asia Argento.

Who wouldn't?

PONYBOY: DUDE! I thought we'd get ONE scene like that! There were SEVERAL!

MRBNATURAL: As long as you're straying from the source material, might as well squeeze some buttsex in there too. She was into it... eventually.

PONYBOY: Yeah, it's not something you can just spring on a girl. Like a rat in your pants. You gotta romance it a little.

MRBNATURAL: The one thing I took away from this movie is that I need to see more flicks starring Julian Sands. And I don't care how terrible.

PONYBOY: God damn it.

MRBNATURAL: What?

PONYBOY: I think I'm a Phantom phan.

Nooooooooooooo!

~~~~

This flick is a thoroughly entertaining and delightfully naughty re-imagining. It may break a few Phangirl hearts to hear that we enjoyed Dario Argento's take on this classic tale more than any previous incarnation. While it's clearly not for everyone, those of you who enjoy Italian horror will feel right at home.

ON A SCALE OF 1-10: This ain't your pappy's Phantom! 8.

~ WATCH THE TRAILER ~