Our house is a very, very, very fine house.

"The Last House on the Left" (2009)

STARRING: Garret Dillahunt, Tony Goldwyn, Sara Paxton

PLOT: While on vacation, a girl crosses paths with a group of dangerous criminals. Later, the gang is forced to take refuge with a married couple -- who, unbeknownst to anyone, happen to be the young girl's parents.

IN TWO WORDS: REEE-VENGE!

OUR TAKE: This is destined to be a polarizing movie. You're going to love it or hate it -- and if you loved it, you're probably going to have to explain yourself and grovel a bit to those that didn't. Why? Because this movie is unabashedly, unapologetically brutal. If you enjoyed it, be prepared to get cock-eyed looks of disgust from your loved ones. But not us! Here at Twins of Evil Co., we roll around in the filth!

So it's with an inappropriate measure of glee we report that this movie is well worth the price of admission. YES, it is a remake of a beloved cult classic, but unlike many recent attempts to add a new coat of gloss to an old standard, this updated retelling of The Last House on the Left shines brightly on its own.

You know, through all the awesome blood-soaked violence.

There's no need to get anyone's panties in a bunch for daring to revisit the source material -- it's still available for rental and purchase -- so let's all shut the fuck up and stop whining, okay? Embrace the newness! The plot poses a devilishly simple question: if you came face-to-face with someone who had hurt your loved one, how far would you go to hurt them back? The fact is that many of us simply don't know what lies beneath the surface, and we might be surprised by what we are capable of when pushed.

We meet the Collingwood family as they're heading out for vacation, to their lakeside summer home. Daughter Mari is everything a parent could ask for: smart, kind, beautiful. Father John is a level-headed practicing surgeon, and mother Emma is looking forward to spending some time away from the city. It's clear through their interaction with one another that the family has been through some recent emotional hardships, but they're a resilient lot. These early scenes establish an important connection with the audience -- the Collingwoods feel very genuine, like any normal family. They're neither sappy with affection nor hostile with dramatic tension. They're simply a husband, a wife, and a daughter on a family trip. They could be anyone. They could easily be you.

It's not a comforting thought.

When Mari meets up with old friend Paige, the two head out for a day of girl-fun and catching up. But due to a naive lapse in teenage judgment, the girls soon find themselves in an awkward situation going bad fast. Things take a hard turn, and before they even have time to fully understand what's happening, Mari and Paige are caught up in dark and deadly business with dark and deadly people. A gang of menacing criminals -- led by a particularly vicious man named Krug -- are suddenly in a position of authority with two frightened young girls and one big decision to make. What follows is a living nightmare, bright and vivid and all-too realistic. When these violent animals give in to their violent natures, Mari and Paige are left to cry, beg and scream for mercy. They shall receive none.

Neither will the audience.

Beginning to end, this movie is deeply disturbing. It should be no real surprise to anyone who has seen the original film (or for that matter bothered to read the MPAA warning released with this movie) that the rape storyline was kept in, and like the original film it is an enormously important part of the story.

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PONYBOY: I love how showing rape in a movie is ALWAYS WRONG, but ask the same people and depicting murder is somehow ok.

MR. B: I do find it odd that people are perfectly fine with watching someone get claw-hammered to death, but you violate the chastity of ONE teenage girl and well, you've just gone too far!

PONYBOY: There is also, let it be said, far less rape than in the original film. The way the original scenes were shot, it felt almost like a snuff film. In a good way, but still fucking vulgar as hell. In this version, while it's certainly still vulgar, the mental and physical anguish of the victims came across a LOT stronger.

MR. B: There are far less white-boy afros as well. I will say that everyone is WAY hotter in the new version. Sorry David Hess. :(

PONYBOY: See, ugly as he is, I'd still do Hess. I'd give him one.

MR. B: I'm a sucker for the classics. Er.... That is... *ahem*

PONYBOY: I wasn't offended by the rape scene. It was done about as tastefully as you could hope for, especially for a horror movie. It's impossible to cut it from the story. If the girls had just been beaten up, it wouldn't make sense for Mom and Dad to react the way they did. The sexual assault of their daughter is what sets Dad off FOR SURE.

MR. B: Glorious, comfortable murder! People want to whine about it, but HEY MOTHERFUCKERS, guess what? You just proved my point. the one thing that pushes audiences too far is also the same thing that pushed Mom and Dad too far.

PONYBOY: No jury would convict them.

MR. B: I also enjoyed the subtle hand they used to convey the Collingwood's relationship. They never come right out and say it, but you pick up instantly that stuff's been strained between John and Emma for a while. Who knew it would be tag-team bloodsports that brought them closer together?

Who needs therapy when you have drifters to kill?

PONYBOY: You could DEFINITELY see a twinkle in Dad's eye once the killing had started.

MR. B: More than a twinkle! I got the impression that dad was kind of WAITING to go apeshit. It must be stressful being a highly-paid doctor.

PONYBOY: The family that slays together, stays together.

MR. B: As much as I love Greg Dillahunt, I've gotta say that somehow I think the son's quieter performance almost upstaged Krug's. But it might be just that I thought he was WAY ADORABLE.

PONYBOY: I kept trying to place who this kid reminded me of, and I think I've got it. Paul Dano + Brad Renfro with a ~hint~ of Jason Mewes. Tell me I'm wrong. Poor adorable puppy, so emo and miserable the WHOLE MOVIE. :(

Krug does NOT enjoy being out-adorabled.

MR. B: Speaking of misery -- how great was the daughter?

PONYBOY: She was my favorite character in the movie, which is nice for once. Usually I'm indifferent to the hero and in love with some periferal character -- but what's-her-face really stole the show. I guess I oughta learn her name, since I'm sure we'll be seeing more of her. (SARA PAXTON)

MR. B: Having a likeable, realistic heroine in the lead? Wait, am I in the 70's?

PONYBOY: I KNOW, RIGHT? That's why this remake felt so spot-on. Because it subtly emulated the era of the original, but set it in current day. You could watch them back-to-back.

MR. B: No doubt! Although I admit I wasn't able to "watch" everything. There were a few bits peppered through-out the flick with grievous BONE TRAUMA, and as much of a badass as I am, I still can't watch people's hands get mangled.

PONYBOY: Speaking of badass, I think bad girl Sadie was a stand-out for a couple of reasons.

MR. B: Nice to see realistic titties making a comeback.

PONYBOY: They were real, and they were spectacular. Fake tits kinda ruined Mother of Tears a little for me.

MR. B: Take it back! I mean hey, I'm not a big fan of coconut, but cake is cake. I'm gonna eat that shit. No one turns down free titties.

PONYBOY: Can I just say that all the guys in this were hot? I enjoyed watching them all fight and grapple with each other.

MR. B: I was conflicted leaving the theater, but only because I couldn't decide who was hotter. And also if the son character was "legal enough".

PONYBOY: Hey, I'm right there with you man.

MR. B: For the record, he is! PERV ON!

PONYBOY: SWEET! I'm already wearing my trenchcoat!

~~~~

The dreamy cinematography evokes films like All the Boys Love Mandy Lane and The Virgin Suicides and makes the grisly violence in the movie more shocking by comparison. (Would you believe this film was shot entirely on location in South Africa? No shit!) However, it's the acting that elevates this to a new-school classic, with expert performances all around: Garret Dillahunt and Riki Lindhome are deliciously cold-blooded while Tony Goldwyn is red-hot rage. Both Sara Paxton and Spencer Treat Clark deliver painfully sympathetic performances. The Last House on the Left is a quick plunge into hell, but the badness is so good you might just want to vacation there...

...just don't answer the door to any strangers.

ON A SCALE OF 1-10: A clever, memorable twist on a cult classic. 8.

~ WATCH THE TRAILER ~